


(No) Hugs Please

by welcometothisday



Series: Dancing Around the Subject [1]
Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: F/M, M/M, Musical References, Neurodivergent Reader, Other, Pick a Gender for Ryder
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-30
Updated: 2020-03-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:22:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 29,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21596827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/welcometothisday/pseuds/welcometothisday
Summary: More headcanons/ideas of what it might be like to be neruodivergent in Mass Effect Andromeda.Somehow, Jaal starts shipping the reader with Evfra.EDITED: Since the original piece wasn't supposed to be all romance but also interactions with the crew and general world(s) of Mass Effect Andromeda, I've added some snip bits.
Relationships: Evfra de Tershaav/Original Character(s), Evfra de Tershaav/Reader, Jaal Ama Darav/Female Ryder | Sara, Jaal Ama Darav/Male Ryder | Scott, Jaal Ama Darav/Ryder
Series: Dancing Around the Subject [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1556455
Comments: 22
Kudos: 77





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is not a full fledged story, but just tidbits or maybe a rough draft.

You were one of the staff aboard the Tempest. You worked primarily as the cook or if in emergency situations, you helped Lexi.

Preparing food was calming because it had repetitive patterns, you didn't have to interact with people too often, and sometimes, if you felt like it, you got to experiment. It's how you found out recipes could be adjusted to make them more palatable. So, hearing people enjoy some foods you made on the Tempest more than other places was nice.

One night, you were cleaning up parts of the kitchen when a krogan appeared. You didn't have anything against krogan, but this guy was huge and had bones on his armor. He was about to say something when you just up and ran for it. The next morning, you overheard, "I think there's a stowaway on the ship. I ran into a human in the kitchen last night. They didn't even say anything, just ran off. Coward."

Ouch. Liam, bless his heart, asked about what you looked like. After hearing that, he chuckled, saying what your name was and explaining that you were the cook. There was a pause of silence before Cora said, "...We have a cook?"

Oh right, because you avoided people so much, they probably didn't even know you existed.

"Yeah, but they're really...It's complicated," Liam sighed. "They're neurodivergent."

How was it complicated?

"They're what now?" Peebee asked.

Cora mumbled something unintelligible before answering. "People who are neurodivergent, it means their genetics, part of a natural mutation for one reason or another, makes them oversensitive to certain things. For some it's light, sound, or even touch. They also, often, have problems figuring out how to communicate or socialize."

That was kind of accurate, but not really?

"That, sounds horrible," Vetra said.

Racist.

"Depends on the person," Liam shrugged. You could see him now through one of the reflective mirrors. "Because of those things, a lot can be savants in a subject, be good with trivia or math, and tend to think in ways most people don't." He turned to the krogan, "I know this person though. They're not xenophobic or anything. They're curious about new things and new people. The problem is that they have a hard time talking, especially with strangers. You, my friend, might be a little overwhelming for them."

The krogan nodded, looking somewhat wistful. So, when he lingered for some reason after everyone left, you tentatively came out of hiding, and placed some food you knew he liked on the table, quickly backing away. You couldn't meet his eyes.

"...Sorry," you uttered quietly before leaving as quickly as possible.

There was a small, low chuckle before you heard his silverware clinking.

Yay, you didn't totally mess something up.

* * *

Someone messed with your kitchen.

You wasted no time in cleaning it up, reorganizing everything. You had everything in a certain place, and that should not be altered, damn it. Then, you found something strange. Blast-Ohs?

You jumped in alarm when a Turian appeared. Vetra's mandibles moved ever so slightly as she tilted her head. Why was everyone invading your private space?

"...Hi," you said awkwardly, fidgeting a little.

How do you figure out what a Turian was thinking? You could barely understand humans. How the heck were you supposed to know what a Turian wants?!

"Hello," she replied softly, cautiously. She glanced around, picking up a box of Blast-Ohs. "I'm Vetra Nyx, and you are?"

You gave your name. "I, I know," you replied, stuttering. "I have to know what each crew member eats, and possibly what they _might_ like. You uh, you like dextro-brandy, specifically from Invictus. You also really like sweets."

It was awkward when you said it. Vetra inclined her head. "Do, do you know what everyone's favorite foods are?"

She was astounded for some reason when you began automatically listing everything for everyone. Realizing what you did, your jaw snapped shut. Oh no, you even listed some of the individual spices and herbs for certain recipes. Fuck.

You couldn't tell what she was thinking as she watched you. "Sorry about messing this place up. I was looking for the Blast-Ohs. Do you like things in a certain order?"

"It's, it's nicer when you can find things. It's part of maintaining everything."

That and you went a little obsessive about the smallest details. Everything was alphabetized and categorized in ways some people might not understand. It was just easier for you to work with, especially since you knew what things might be accessed more.

"I'll be more careful next time."

She sounded a bit more chipper instead of cautious now. Before she started to walk out the door, she asked, "You can get certain foods, right? You know people to contact?"

"...Only in writing," you admitted. "Writing is easier than using a com or talking. And, some people here have preferences. It's nice, making stuff for others."

"I'll keep that in mind. Would it be okay if I wrote you later? I'd like to get more sources for things we need."

Vetra was keeping in mind your boundaries and preferences? "Yes, that would be nice."

* * *

Liam and Vetra were contacting you in messages more and more. At one point, Liam came into the kitchen to get some snacks for other members of the crew. You hadn't anticipated Peebee showing up with him.

She was one of the people on board that you were most wary of. Her species weren't just natural biotics, but they could join minds. You already had trouble around emotions from people on the outside, but a mind meld? You weren't sure you would be able to take that.

"Holy moly, there _is_ a cook here! Hi!"

Who did they think made their meals? Oh, please don't say they use synthesizers or something like that.

"Hello," you replied nervously, giving Liam a betrayed look.

Liam chuckled, "You can't hide forever. I'm not trying to force you into anything-" Liar. "-but at least try to see us every once in a while?"

He was right in some ways. You couldn't stay locked forever, no matter how much you wanted to sometimes.

* * *

Cora liked telling you about being an asari huntress, and while others groaned, you understood fixations and liking things other people didn't. It also helped that you had more practice in listening than speaking.

However, once when you tried communicating, you sometimes signed instead of talking. Liam translated for you. Everyone wanted to learn sign language then. Firstly, you didn't know how to teach. Secondly, most of these people had three fingers instead of five. They wouldn't be able to sign the alphabet or count correctly. You still had pet peeves where people mixed up threes and sixes.

When you were around a crowd, you couldn’t stay long, even with your lucky scarf helping you hold onto something. It felt like the air around you kept getting tighter, and your skin was clinging onto you to the point where you sometimes wondered if you were going to break out in rashes or something.

But maybe this wasn't so bad? They were trying to understand and accommodate.

* * *

"What does it _mean_ to be neurodivergent?" Peebee asked.

Someone was finally asking you that kind of thing. You'd been worried though. You thought either they'd make assumptions without bothering to talk to you or say something stupid like "you don't look neurodivergent". Did they expect you to look like a flying monkey?

You shrugged, "It means that everyone around me says things they don't mean. They make creepy comments and hints about stuff instead of just saying what they want or need. It means that they don't focus or pay attention to singular or important things in life. They make you question your own memory even when there's evidence that they forget things. Oh, and they like staring into [eyeballs](https://anexperimentallife.tumblr.com/post/185768580284) like it's the most fantastic thing in life despite it not being required for any kind of conversation, and smiling like they want to murder or eat you. Like a demonic killer clown."*

And you had no magical ruby shoes to transport you to a world that was your kind of normal.

Oh, right, the rest of the crew was listening. "Uh, kid? What world are you living in?"

You frowned, "I'm in a world that's designed to stress me out. [What do you think?](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/8e/8e/d6/8e8ed667f3263cb0b905bfabdd90dda1.gif)"

You honestly wanted to know their thoughts. You weren't a cute pet, or someone _that_ naive. 

* * *

Things were changing, little by little.

Peebee wanted to know if she could play music. She learned that some kinds of music or volumes can bother people.

Some tones in sounds bothered you, but music in general was a delight. The two of you were singing when she put it on, both a lot happier that you were able to be around that.

["](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9feUxKIqKmg)When you're stumbling through the darkness walking blind! Don't forget that there is always hope to find!" You and Peebee gestured at Ryder. "Choose your path, walk it well. Save us from this living hell-"

Ryder pretended to have a microphone, "In this broken cage, we will not be confined!"

Cora and Liam jumped in, creating a chorus.

"And when the world it starts to burn! At the point of no return!"

Drack leaned over to Vetra, "Any idea what this is?"

Suvi and Gil were jumping in now.

"Keep a hold of your conviction! Tear out the affliction and before the world turns black!"

Vetra shook her head, "Nope. Must be a human thing."

"Stand up and take it back!"

* * *

You didn't know many krogan, but most seemed to like breaking stuff or being loud. Drack was a welcome change, even if he did the same things. He was more light hearted about it, and somehow made it seem easier for you to handle if/when you were around.

Better yet, he introduced you to some other krogan you hadn't expected. The first was Kesh, and though her saracasm did confuse things a little, her humor and ways of explaining things helped. You almost, _almost_ , felt a little bad for Director Tann for the shenanigans he put up with, but he really could be a pain in the behind.

Then there was Vorn, who was almost the total opposite of what you expected any krogan to be. Better yet, he was a botanist, and you were an experimental cook/dietician (much to Drack's and Kesh's horror), so there were tons of things you could bond over. So far, the two of you began collaborating on some projects, namely making things both edible and healthy to those at the Nexus.

He did accidentally get you with a plant that knocked you out fairly quickly from its gases, but you didn't pay much mind since there was little to no harm done, and you proposed it could be used for medicinal purposes. He decided to keep it close, and you didn't ask any more from how uncomfortable he seemed.

Now? Now you were building a team consisting of you, Vorn, Lexi, and Suvi to get science stuff done. Vetra would be everyone's connections to other parts of the known galaxy. And, pretty much most of the species in the Heleus system was on board the Tempest, so they could give input whenever you made or needed to make something new. There were also a lot of takers for wanting to try out your cooking, so it was a win-win for everyone.

* * *

Next to Liam, Kallo was the person you were most relaxed around. Everything was factual, he was expressive, and aside from his chaotic relationship with Gil, he was rather calm and collected. His presence could be a boon from stress.

And Suvi? She could be a bit excitable, but you related to her on the idea of licking rocks. It was weird, but it made sense.

Kind of like you.

...You made her and Kallo [rock candy](https://s7.orientaltrading.com/is/image/OrientalTrading/13931521?%24PDP_VIEWER_IMAGE%24).

* * *

"Drack, I don't care who or what you are, stay away from my kitchen stuff!" you ordered, glaring at the krogan. Before you had been timid, but after starting to understand these people, you were having an easier time speaking your mind. Then you turned to Vetra, "The same goes for you."

"I've got that nice porcelain you like," Vetra said nonchalantly. "The ones with the [flowers](https://laurelleaffarm.com/item-photos/vintage-hand-painted-china-dessert-plates-fruit-flowers-decorative-plate-collection-Laurel-Leaf-Farm-item-no-nt525170-1.jpg)?"

Damn it, she'd discovered one of your hyper-fixations. Of course she was going to use it to her advantage. This lady was persuasive.

"...Okay, _maybe_ you can get into the kitchen. Just don't mess it up, again."

Drack frowned at Vetra, who winked, "Bribery, works every time."

* * *

"Who the heck is eating all of the cereal?!"

Ryder found the culprit, it was a [mouse](https://youtu.be/s2TQWGj5Srg?t=192). Ryder adopted it and was taking even more cereal.

As for you, you sanitized the hell out of everything.

Seriously, the thing could carry [hantavirus](https://www.cdc.gov/hantavirus/index.html). 

* * *

The ship should NOT be on fire and crashing on an alien planet! Whose idea was this?!

You managed to overhear Ryder saying, "I'm the Pathfinder. First contact is on [me](https://youtu.be/1ZLidTMH76U?t=277)."

First contact? Everyone wasn't just going to meet new people, but a new species?! The kett were bad enough, but at least you had some idea of what those guys wanted to do. Right?

"If this goes badly - if I get eaten alive - even if it's hilarious, please, destroy my vids."

Yeah, that wasn't inspiring confidence.

You didn't like the idea of getting eaten, at all.

...

Oh, holy heck, they were alien squid kitties.

And they were adorable!

* * *

By the time you were all allowed to leave the ship, if only to get some fresh air, you didn't want to go out.

Everything was new and strange, and you could practically feel the angaras' glares. Unfortunately, Liam insisted," Sorry, but this is first contact, and we need to gain trust. That means, they need to see all of us, and without weapons. Same goes for you, Drack."

The krogan grumbled something, taking out all kinds of weapons, a lot you didn't know where from. It was really tempting to ask, but you didn't know what would be appropriate.

You held yourself outside as you tried to gather your wits. The wind was harsh, and humidity made your hair itchy and uncomfortable. You hated being partially wet and partially dry at the same time.

It was itchy, and sometimes it burned. Few ever quite believed you on that though.

You missed your scarf. It was special. It was familiar. It meant a lot and not just because you liked scarves.

An angara was saying something a short distance away and said something to Liam. He glanced at you and replied something that was indecipherable. Next thing you knew, there was this fancy cape thrown at your head. Liam was smirking, "Try it! They're awesome!"

You looked to the angara that Liam had been talking to. She had a cart full of them and was smiling with a slight nod. With that, you wrapped it around yourself, relaxing almost instantly. The pressure of the outfit helped too. I made you feel more grounded. It made you feel safer.

Shyly, you called out, "Thank you!"

* * *

You tensed as you felt a hand grab your pants' leg. It was a tiny angara, with big blue eyes. Did all of them have blue eyes? Did it have something to do with melanin or collagen deposits? Hold on, different species, so different biology. Regardless, it typically meant that, because of the structural coloration, that the eyes don't absorb light but basically scatters it in their eyes and/or reflects it. Did that mean they looked at light a lot? Were they exposed that often to it? Oh, did they need it and-

Wait, there was still a kid clinging to you. Your anxiety was alleviated slightly by the fact there was no skin on skin contact, but it was all still very nerving.

All members of the crew who were there were very, very still. You guys did not need to start a war by scaring a kid. Desperately, you searched the area for an adult. There were a few nearby, one specifically having blue skin, scars, and kind of grumpy.

Kallo said your name, "We're going to get help. Just stay here."

You really, really hoped this wouldn't cause a panic. The little one said something you couldn't recognize at first until the translators kicked in. "Have you seen my mommy?"

A vein in your forehead twitched. Of course, it was going to be that kind of incident. Wait, you were an alien to them, so why would the kid ask you unless...Did something happen to the mommy? Cautiously, you inhaled, "I'm sorry, I haven't." Gil was speaking to the blue one with scars who looked grumpy. Kallo snickered as you made an expression to convey your nervousness, mouthing, "Help me."

"You're not kett?"

Oh no. The kett had a hand in a lot of deaths lately, including the former Pathfinder. In retrospect, the song you picked from before wasn't appropriate. Ryder had a lot depending on them already. You might've just stressed them more.

Still, your nervousness ebbed a little when you stepped back, sitting in front of the ship. You drew your knees to your chest. It was a way of showing you meant no harm, but that you were also protecting yourself. You really hoped the kid wouldn't follow, but they did. At least this way it seemed more like you had been approached instead of you trying to take the kid. "No, I'm not. I'm a human. We come from somewhere really far away."

How old was this one and how do you act around them? "Aren't you an alien?"

You snorted a little, "Yes, but many aliens are different." You gestured to the members of the crew as you spoke. "That's Ryder and Cora and Liam, they're humans, like me. Kallo is a Salarian. Vetra is a Turian. Peebee is an Asari, and Drack is a Krogan. All of us come from different worlds, but we try to be friends."

"Try?"

You winced, "Not all people get along. I mean, you don't get along with everyone here, right?" The little one pouted but nodded. You felt unsure, maybe a little paranoid. But that was okay. "And, honestly I'm not sure what they think of me, but they're nice."

The little one asked what your name was, but before you could answer, the [grumpy one](https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/masseffect/images/b/b1/Evfra_dramalighting_shot.png/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/350?cb=20180830201803) appeared. "Little one, leave the alien and return to your family."

His tone was commanding, but not particularly threatening compared to some others you had known before. You could hear more concern and wariness than anything else. It was probably for the child. Still, you hoped this wouldn't reflect badly on you and your crew. You hadn't even touched them.

You froze as the kid suddenly clung to you. You fought the urge to push them away, to flee, all while screaming inside your mind. You dared not move or say anything.

Touching humans, maybe even some aliens, was already overwhelming. This? You'd encountered beings with bio electricity, but somehow this more intense than the others.

 _Fear, confusion, anger, joy_.

 _Joy, Anger, Confusion. Fear_.

_FuRy, eLaTiOn, CoNfUsIoN, DrEaD._

_RAGE, TERROR, EUPHORIA, HELP, HELP, HELP **!**_

**_HELPHELPHELHELPHELPHELP!!!_ **

Everything was swimming, and it was only when the pressure was removed from your arm that your senses started to regain contact with your brain. You let out a breath you didn't know you had. Liam was in front of you, saying something. Kallo was talking to the blue grumpy one. You weren't very good at reading faces, but you thought you saw some slight concern there.

Sounds began to morph into words again.

"...Hypersensitive to physical contact, namely from sentient species. Strange though, I've never seen-"

"Electricity," you whimpered, covering your ears and shutting your eyes as if it could somehow keep it all out. "They, b-bio..."

"Shit," Liam said. "Please, we need to get to our medic."

The angara, who you figured might be some higher figure, let you two go. Liam first tried to help you up, but the moment he touched you, you yelped and flung yourself backwards.

You were already hypersensitive to certain things, and right now, you still had that electricity running through you. You couldn't stop the tears from running down your face as you cupped your ears again. The once tingling on your skin was burning like singed pins and needles. It focused on where the kid had touched you before.

Liam was cursing, and you flinched when a hand you didn't recognize touched you. Almost instantly, most of what was hurting you dissipated. You were still shaken, but more functional. Blinking, you were able to see in front of you.

It was Grumpy. Huh, he did have other colors. He had occasional pink lines and purplish splotches. He was kind of pretty. "...Breathe."

His tone was deep, controlled. It was, calming. He told you to count with him, to focus on his breathing. Your own became far less harsh, as if there was no longer icicles piercing your lungs. You did as he told you, shuddering as you did. He began pulling away, but to your shock, you held his hand there. You wanted him to take more of it away. Everything was still...Too much. If you hadn't been yourself, you'd have been mortified and confused beyond belief.

The angara squeezed just a little, and though you felt like your head was underwater, you didn't feel like you were being captive by something you didn't understand. You didn't feel pressured. You just felt, tired. You closed your eyes, slowly breathing in and out as you let go of his hand.

"...Can you walk?"

You tried to push yourself up, at first falling against the ship before struggling to stand again. Unfortunately, everything got dizzy, and... Where was the ground?

* * *

A lot of the crew had been worried, and many wanted to hug you, since that was a comforting thing for most people. Thankfully, they weren't offended when you told them no.

Lexi checked everything, Drack nearby. You had a feeling he was only there for Lexi, but it was nice telling yourself he might be there for you, just a little. "How you holdin' up kid?"

"I'll recover," you said, wincing. "That was, intense. Everybody uh, everybody has strong emotions or touch, but that? That was a kid, and they're not usually that bad. I mean, their emotions are stronger, but it's not as overwhelming. I'm more relaxed around them. I don't get it."

Lexi nodded, typing into the database, "Something to note then. Apparently, you're not the only neurodivergent to have problems around the angara. There have been a few other instances on other worlds, some of who didn't even know they were neurodivergent. Although, this is the first time someone's fainted."

Just your luck. You had fainted in front of an entirely new species, and maybe in front of some big leading hot shot. Oh no, the kid. They probably thought they hurt you.

You conveyed your worry, and Drack shook his head. "Liam and Kallo explained things. The kid knows to ask next time."

"Still, your fainting spell could have been from prolonged contact added to the already stressful situation," Lexi said. That was obvious, but you didn't comment. Everyone was already stressed out enough. She waved away the hologram then and sighed. "Do come if there's any change."

You got up, still slightly dizzy, but fully capable of working. Your first goal was to get to the kitchen. It was there, that you baked to your heart's content. If the crew noticed huge piles of sweets and breads, they didn't say a damned thing.

* * *

There was going to be an angara on the ship. There was going to be someone on the ship who could hurt you with the barest of touches, and he was going to be sleeping near you.

Shit.

* * *

"I'm just saying as far as first contact goes, at least this one went better than the last one."

Why were you here? You were one of the lesser staff. It made no sense for you to be in the meeting room. In your hands you fiddled with your Rubik's cube. You had played with it countless times, but solving it wasn't the reason you did. You needed to keep busy. You always did. It helped you focus.

"Only slightly," Liam replied. 

"Yeah, what happened? I wanted to look around."

You wanted to tell Peebee that your first impressions of the planet weren't that great. The view you got was more than enough for you.

"And now we have another mouth to feed, whatever he eats," Drack grunted.

Oh shoot, what _did_ the angara eat? Is that why you were there? To find out what he eats? Oh no, he was a new alien, what if you accidentally poisoned him? What if you unintentionally started a war?! He was important, and his mission was to make sure no one stepped out of line and-

You began messing with the Rubik's cube even more fervently in the attempt to pay attention to the present. It was calming and got rid of excess energy and anxiety.

"Do the translators not work?"

"They work."

Did all of them have deep voices and nice accents? He even _sounded_ like a big, purring cat. It was kind of soothing.

You made a glance at Ryder, internally begging for some interference before something bad happened. Pathfinders were supposed to be diplomatic, right? Both Ryder and Jaal spoke, and you tried to listen, your thoughts wandering all over the place at speeds most wouldn't fathom. You tried to tell them once, and they thought you were insane. That's why you had to stimulate yourself, to keep yourself in the moment and focused.

"The kett kidnap angara, without a trace. What if they were us?"

If it were you, you'd either run screaming, or try to punch one out of fear. No wait, that was inappropriate, you shouldn't say that. Besides, you were probably the weakest one there.

At least there was some semblance of a plan of what to do.

In the meantime, you had to figure out how to make things a little less tense. The Pathfinder was the ambassador for other worlds, and you were the intermediary for the people in this shiny scrap of metal.

* * *

It took you some time, but you made yourself write to the angara, anxiety having made you reluctant. 

_Communication from Ship's Cook_

_To: Jaal Ama Darav_

_From: Cook_

_Guest Jaal,_

_I have been told that you have brought your own nourishment paste aboard the Tempest._

_From personal experience, I know such things not to be very palatable._

_Should you wish for anything, I can make such food, provided knowledge of what you eat, or I can grant you access to the kitchen._

_I have labeled everything in advance, and you may use whatever devices you wish to ensure your safety._

_I wish you luck on this journey and hope for the future._

There, short and simple. Was it proper? How else were you to refer to him? But you couldn't avoid him forever.

It was going to drive you nuts giving him access to a space you felt safe in, but you'd rather he not dies because you didn't help him best you could.

You got a response quickly, in less than an hour.

_Communication from Jaal Ama Darav_

_To: Cook_

_From Jaal Ama Darav_

_Greetings,_

_I appreciate the gesture and will consider your offer._

_You and I share the sentiment of how the paste tastes._

_When it comes to recipes, I am reluctant to provide anything, and I hope you know I bear no offense._

_I appreciate how you decided to label everything. There is much that is confusing about being on this ship. It warms me greatly that one should take such great care._

_I am unsure if your phrase is a traditional human phrase, but ours is "Stay strong and clear"._

Huh, that was a lot simpler than you thought it would be.

* * *

You almost ran into Jaal when you were going about your daily routine. He had been examining the kitchen items with his scanner. His visor didn't make him any less intimidating. He turned around to see you. You were sure if he had eyebrows, he'd raise one, or both, like cats do when they're annoyed with something or someone. 

Your throat let out a squeaked, whined noise against your will, and you yelped out, "Excuse me!"

Then you ran.

Nope, you weren't going through that emotional bio-electricity stuff again! And especially not with a guy obviously well capable of shooting somebody's face off.

Believe it or not, you liked living.

Nope. Nope. Nope!

* * *

"I'm just glad we didn't get blown up," Ryder commented, tired. You walked over with their favorite coffee, wordlessly offering it. Ryder thanked you, chugging it down before looking at you sheepishly. Sighing, you refilled it, and you were thanked again. "I knew things were going to be tense, but wow, Evfra was, tough. I get his motives, but I can’t get a read on that guy."

You didn't notice Jaal enter the room when you said, "Last I checked, the only extraterrestrials the angara encountered were the kett, who have persecuted, enslaved, and murdered their people. Why wouldn't they be tense? For all they know, we could be just as bad as the kett. I don't blame them."

It was getting easier to talk with the group. You still had some problems, but you were working it out. Vetra leaned forward, "I wonder what they think we look like. I remember hearing humans calling us 'dinosaurs', and krogans 'toads."

You shrugged, "Worms."

"Huh?"

"Worms exist on almost every other planet, come in different shades and shapes, and humans, like them, dig into everyone's business without others wanting them too. So, we're worms."

Drack burst out laughing, some of the others making amused noises. You didn't get why that was funny. You were just trying to offer an example of what the angara might think. Was it so silly to compare new things to what you knew? 

In the corner, you saw Jaal grinning. You stiffened, unsure what to do. Lexi noticed and cleared her throat, greeting Jaal. He inclined his head in acknowledgement. "Are you the ' _cook_ '?"

"Yes," you confirmed, feeling very awkward the closer he got.

You sent a pleading look to Liam and Ryder, the latter who got Jaal's attention. "Hey, remember that person we told you about earlier? This is them."

Great, you already made a terrible impression.

Jaal's eyes widened and he took a couple steps back. "My apologies. Are you well now?"

Did he recognize you? You kind of thought some stranger stumbling on you and then screeching at the top of their lungs while running away would make _some_ kind of impression.

"Yes," you squeaked, eyeing his hands, one of which was bare. "Er, sorry, I just...You're very _loud_."

Being near him alone made you want to run away again. He was concerned, angry, tense, sad and it was too much. Way too much. It was only made worse by the fact that you didn't know why he felt those things, and that you didn't know how to help.

"Beg pardon?"

Liam snorted, "Certain stimuli can affect those who are neurodivergent in different ways. For some, the best explanation they can give when it comes to overwhelming or extreme confusing things is that they're 'loud'. So, even if you're not raising your voice or making a racket, there are other things that can convince the senses that there's possible danger. Often, facial expressions can be misinterpreted. Even something as simple as a smile."

"Hey, most animals bare their teeth when they are threatening or being threatened. How is that so different from smiling? The same goes for having to look someone in the eyes. It's a natural intimidation thing," you protested, your cheeks hot and nervousness ebbing.

"True," Ryder conferred. "Hold on, Kallo, you said Evfra helped our lovely little chef here?"

What was the Pathfinder up to? You pointed out that you were a cook and not a chef (there are differences), but you were ignored. "Indeed."

"Aren't you afraid of him? You haven't talked about it yet."

You blinked, confused. "Er, was Evfra the pretty, grumpy one? Blue?"

Many guffawed at what you said. Jaal snorted, "Yes, he is considered quite attractive."

When the others showed disbelief, you hummed, "That makes sense. Your guys' blood is blue, right? Psychologically for many species the most attractive or emotional color one can recognize is that of their blood. Humans bleed red, so it's considered a color of passion, anger, and love."

It was also why many people both wore red or liked eating red things in regards to those emotions. The same went for other colors of the spectrum. The phrase, "You are what you eat", wasn't entirely wrong in that aspect.

"That makes some sense," Peebee commented. Then, she got a wicked grin and winked at Jaal. "You guys think blue is attractive?"

Right, all asari were blue. That made sense.

"Why else would he be wearing so much of it?" Liam teased lightly.

And the angara in question was currently wearing a blue poncho. You kind of missed the one you'd been gifted. Would it be rude to ask about it? What were the cultural boundaries here?

Jaal's color in his cheekbones changed ever so slightly. Few would be able to tell. Years of watching colors change due to heat or other things in certain dishes made it easier for you to see though.

Shrugging, you added, "And contrasting, bright colors help too."

Pink and blue? Those were coloring a lot of people liked.

Jaal cleared his throat, "So, are you afraid of Evfra?"

Huh? You shrugged, having relaxed a little around the angara. "I don't know, I didn't really talk to him or do anything besides faint on him." You paused, touching your shoulder where this Evfra had before. How had he been able to do that? To make the intensity go down? "I guess he was kind of nice? Not emotionally intense. Intimidating, sure, but it didn't feel like...Please don't take offense to this, but it didn't feel like I was being forced to feel what he did. It didn't feel like...There wasn't this weight or pressure I'm used to. It was more like a request. It's weird."

Jeeze, this was so awkward. Was anything you said making sense? Ugh, how the heck do you explain what happened when _you_ weren't even sure what happened? Oh no, were you info dumping? Shit.

Jaal had a mixture of looking giddy and worried. Meanwhile, Ryder grumbled, "Of course, the one person you should be afraid of, and you aren't."

There was something you wanted to ask Jaal, if it wasn't too intrusive. "There's a bit of a reason for that, I guess? After the kid, shocked me or whatever that was, he touched me and-"

"He what?!" Drack grunted.

You couldn't read his expression well, but you certainly could sense his rage. Shoot, they were taking that as something else. What they were interpreting was not remotely what you meant. "Not like that. It's kind of like how you guys hug or try to comfort each other through touching."

"Oh."

Nodding, you did your best to explain what happened. You'd already given Lexi some details, but you may not have been clear enough. It was always hard to figure out what information was relevant. Either people wanted generalizations, summaries, or the smallest minutiae "Well, he touched me after the child did, and what I felt from them? He made them less intense. Before, all I could feel was this, loudness that was screaming at me. But he drained that for the most part." It occurred to you then, "Why are your people so loud? It's not just because of bio-electricity, is it?"

Jaal held his chin, "We angara can convey emotions and needs to others of our kind through our bio-electricity."

"So, when they were shocked, it was the child reaching out for them?"

"It appears so," Jaal said. "But it may not have translated as well as the little one would have hoped. Those connections, however brief or long, can be lessened or removed to retract a message, or to give a new one. Evfra may not have known that when he tried to calm you, he had lessened the previous message with his own."

Was there anything you felt after that? "...Determination, frustration, anger, a small amount of fear, but calmness drowned most of it out..."

You didn't know you'd spoken it out loud as you thought deeply. You didn't notice the others staring at you, or Jaal's contemplation turn to confusion and awe into a huge grin. 

* * *

Jaal found human food bland, so, determined as hell, you tested using the strongest flavors imaginable.

Turned out, he really like jalapenos and chili peppers to the point where everyone else's eyes stung.

He also liked trying out some of the brandy infused chocolates you had made for Vetra (it was surprising to learn he could eat levo and dextro foods) , but the alcohol in it didn't really affect him. Did he like them because of the stimulants in the [biochemicals](https://scienceblogs.com/grrlscientist/2007/09/12/chocolate-and-addiction)? 

Wait, chili peppers, chocolate, and alcohol had a lot of things in common. You had to experiment in the past with things people liked, knowing some recipes didn't fit their desires or needs. This included figuring out te chemicals within preferred or needed supplements. It was also a safety thing for the varying species on the ship.

You also needed to keep in mind how other passengers were affected and giving Jaal near deathly spices wasn't a good idea for anyone's health.

So, you had him try spicy chocolate chili pepper bark among other things. It had extreme spices, sweets, could melt in his mouth like the pastes he was used to eating, and wouldn't kill anyone else.

It was a success, and now you knew what direction you had to go in.

Doctors, scientists, and nutrients in league with the Nexus were wary of your results, but with what you had which included an informal test subject (it was disturbing to think of Jaal like that), new kinds of recipes and dishes were being made.

As for you? You were just glad you hadn’t killed anyone yet.

* * *

You needed timers and clocks around you a large amount of the time. It was hard to keep track of it since everything either moved too fast or too slow. Otherwise, you wouldn't be able to go where and when you needed to be.

Sometimes, two hours felt more like two minutes from how much energy you were able to make. Sometimes, five minutes felt like five hours.

Yeah, clocks helped, a lot.

* * *

It wasn't exactly the first time you'd seen Liam naked, but you'd hoped the last time it happened would be the very last. Now? He's walking around with a nude angara.

"I thought you were curious about aliens."

["NOT LIKE THIS!"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GSrrJK5C2Aw)

Jaal chuckled, taking a fresh towel and covering himself. " I've been told many humans are very private, but Liam and Ryder are not."

"...I don't want to know what happened with Ryder, do I?" you asked Liam, who only laughed.

He said your name then, "Want to help out? It's educational."

"Nope."

Everyone was learning you were quite a good runner, which was odd because you were terrible at walking. You had this odd way of bumping into things without realizing it.

Ouch! Why did you always, _always_ get hit when you rounded that one corner?!

* * *

Ryder and the others found out you used to do archery. "You can barely walk, but you can run and do archery?"

"It helps to have surfaces that aren't flat."

Weird thing, you had a much easier time navigating through natural trails with rocks and other obstacles than you did sidewalks. You could even jump and mess around a bit. You were a good climber, and even when you had problems sensing where your body was in space most of the time, things that were harder for some just felt natural for you.

Yeah, your brain was funky in ways few could ever understand.

* * *

The Tempest Crew found you talking to an old friend from your time back on Earth.

They adored wearing obsessively bright colors, and their hair was dyed just as brightly. They stared at Jaal before shaking their head. "Is he an alien?" When the others gave them a weird look, your friend stuttered, flapping their hands. "Oh no, I meant like, not from our galaxy. As in they're from this galaxy. I mean-"

"Yeah, he's from this galaxy," you said. "And he's a member of the crew I'm with."

"Cool!"

Jaal looked around, "I thought it was warm in here."

Some phrases and idioms still tended to elude the new species recently encountered, just as it did some neurodivergents. "Is he like us?!"

That's when the others finally got what was happening. You introduced your friend to them, and vice versa. They immediately, held out their hand and if one noticed, they were looking at the bridge of people's noses, or the forehead occasionally. Jaal shook their hand warmly. He paused though, looking between the two of you. "I don't mean to seem rude but..."

"They're new to neurodivergents," you explained, earning a surprised but understanding look from your friend.

"Oh, wow. Er, okay then." They cleared their throat. "Okay, I think I know what you're asking, but just to be clear, you're wondering why the two of us are so different?"

There was various nodding and gestures of agreement. Some were shifting in their stance uncomfortably.

"That's okay, some of us take a while to figure it out too. For many, we didn't even know we were different, exactly. Well, we knew we were different, but then there's actually _knowing_. Kind of like, being told your whole life you're doing things wrong, that you need to do what others do, or just...Not being able to communicate I guess."

Liam moved next to you two. "It didn't quite click into place until you learned more?"

"Yeah," your friend said, agreeing frantically. Jaal was only more confused. "It's like, there's something you know, and then there's understanding it, acknowledging it. It's like the difference between hearing and listening. When you hear someone, it means you know someone is talking to you, but you don't think about the words. When you listen is when you actually pay attention. It's when something starts to make sense. I mean, your whole life is a mystery, and finally there's part of the answer in front of you. It's kind of cool finding out more about yourself."

That cleared things up a bit.

"Generally, those who are neurodivergent have communication difficulties, sensory issues, need extra stimulation that others might find distracting, and/or have fixations," you tried to explain. "My friend likes bright colors, I like stuff that's loose and comfy. I can't stand performing in front of a crowd, but they do and they like being loud."

"You like cooking, and I'm a huge fan of gardening. Actually, I'm a botanist here on the Nexus. For me, there's something really nice about digging your hands through soil, it feels soothing," they said. "And you have a hard time with sarcasm, and I can't stand to look people in the eye. It's really intimidating."

"But, when you shook hands with us-?" Peebee started.

Your friend shrugged, "To be more accepted, you have to play by certain rules, like staring into people's eyeballs." You almost burst out laughing at their exaggerated expressions. "But there's always a trick or a way to get around that kind of thing. For me, I look somewhere close to someone's eyes, but not directly. Basically, you guys are my basilisks. You make me look in your eyes, and I can literally be paralyzed, not in the magical way though."

Thank goodness you and Liam had already introduced Jaal to the Harry Potter series, and thank goodness the others had _some_ clue as to the reference. 

This was probably a lot of info dumping on them. Whoops.

"Anyways," your friend said your name. "See you later?"

"Sure."

After they were gone, you found yourself blushing at the stares you were getting. "We were part of a support group back on Earth. It's like getting therapy to deal with everyday crazy stuff."

"Ah," Vetra commented, then paused. "Lexi said there were others who fainted when touching angara."

You sighed, "They probably had some form of sensory issues too. Most of us have some form of it, whether we recognize it or not."

"How can you _not_ know if you're neurodivergent?"

You looked off into space unknowingly, finding refuge in nothingness as you processed ways to answer that. "You become so good at acting, that you forgot you were doing it in the first place. You...Become too good at lying, even to yourself. You tell yourself you're normal, that all these supposed small inconveniences are normal, so you pretend you're normal too."

When silence followed, you didn't know what else to say immediately.

"And, how would you know, when no one bothers explaining what's normal in the first place?"

You certainly knew that Cora hadn't known. And, she was looking increasingly uncomfortable with each sentence.

Cora had fixations on Asari culture, she said she never felt like she belonged anywhere, and some could say it was just her biotics, she was fascinated with routines and protocols, and...

So, should you tell her your thoughts? Or should you let her figure this out? Knowing your personal experience, you wished you had someone to help you figure this out. So, you texted your friend...

Now? The three of you talked with what remained of the support group. It was up to Cora what she wanted or didn't want to share. Some kept their other sides secret while others showed off in celebration of finally figuring something out. As for Cora, you secretly wished she would say something, but you'd never push.

And Ryder...You were starting to understand.

* * *

Jaal stood before you, glove removed.

You stared, internally hoping he wasn’t stripping again. If he wanted to do that, he should take it up with Liam or Ryder, not you. "What are you doing?"

"I ask that we try having me communicate through bio-electricity to build your tolerance for it."

That, that's not how physical contact worked for you. Seriously, you've tried for a long ass time. Having this, being it? It wasn't something that could just be _cured_. It was part of you. You were far more likely to walk into a wall, again.

You flinched, "No thanks. I don't want to go through that again."

It's not that simple, and you weren't sure how to communicate that with him. You could probably come up with something later, but your brain was coming up with blanks.

After Jaal began saying all kinds of reasons, he finally ended with, "Children are stronger in projecting their emotions and needs. Adults are more reserved, but still very open."

Wincing, you asked, "So, it wouldn't hurt as much?"

He smiled in the attempt to be reassuring. Holy shit, those canines. Did all angara have those[ shiny teeth](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDxAEY3l9BQ)?! "Yes."

"Er, so, how do we do this?"

He offered his hand again, "I will try sending some messages, and you can tell me what it seems like, or if it's too much. We'll go slow."

"This sounds like something else!" Peebee called out, apparently listening in on the conversation.

Okay, couldn't these people just they just say what they mean? You're probably going to understand what she meant five minutes from...Oh. Sexual innuendos got it. Wait, with Jaal? Uh, was Peebee the one who was oblivious? Did she not see what was happening between Jaal and Ryder as of late? It was intense enough that you had to flee the room sometimes.

Jaal sighed, "This does not hold any other meaning beside helping them adjust to our people. Evfra was already concerned that we may have accidentally started a war."

What he said was confusing at first. "Because, I was hurt?"

"You fainted," Jaal said. "Some thought you may have been killed because of the child's actions. It does not bode well to arm a potential ally."

That made some sense. "I think I get it, but there's a bit of a problem with what you said. I'm not nearly as important as most of the people in the Pathfinder's crew. I have no significant role or status. If I die, the likelihood of a war breaking out is little to none."

You didn't say it to demean yourself or lessen your value as a person. It was just logical. Entire world wars began after a major political figure had died. Look at World War I back on Earth. Few even knew who the [Archduke Franz Ferdinand](https://www.history.com/news/did-franz-ferdinands-assassination-cause-world-war-i) was, but most historians believe his assassination to be the most important leading event to start the first World War, and subsequently the second which resulted in millions of deaths, and mass genocide. The same went for wars with other worlds, like the Turians. There may have been deaths from different sides beforehand, but ultimately it was those who had higher ranks or meanings that started it all.

Jaal didn't seem happy with that statement, and you wondered if you should elaborate. But you were just tired of debating and arguing with people over such small things. So, you just placed your hand in his and froze.

He had been right, this wasn't nearly as bad as the kid's, but it was still starting to consume your senses, and once he retracted you started to fall over, dizzy out of your mind. You were caught with a covered arm and gloved hand. It didn't quite stop the intensity since there was still physical contact, but it certainly lessened the pressure weighing down on you. Jaal's worried voice came out of the blurred mess.

"Ugh," you groaned. He really needed to stop touching you, clothed or not…You really hated your mind sometimes. "Can we not do that again? At least for a while?"

He nodded, watching you as you made yourself stand up. "How do you feel?"

"Restricted," you grumbled, shaking you head as if that would clear it. "It was like I was caged, being hugged repeatedly and just...You're not bad, Jaal, I just don't like this. I already push past my comfort zone daily and, I'm not sure I can do this."

Some of what you felt was almost sickeningly sweet, like having cotton candy mixed with frosting, and straight sugar blended in an unhealthy milkshake. Then there was anxiety, frustration and... Too much. Jaal started to reach out to touch your shoulder, likely in the attempt to comfort you, before remembering that being touched wasn't the same for you. You weren't mad nor did you blame him for that. It was instinct, and that was always hard to deny.

"I'll give you some privacy," Jaal brought himself to say. 

You felt bad, but just because it was inconvenient for other people, didn't mean you should change everything about yourself. You couldn't even if you wanted to. What you could do was try to navigate everything best you could.

* * *

_Communication from Pathfinder's Cook_

_To: Evfra de Tersaav_

_From: Pathfinder's Cook_

_Greetings,_

_This is the idiot human that fainted on you when the Tempest first arrived on your world._

_I would like to apologize for the incident that occurred. I should have been more aware of my surroundings and found a way to remove myself from the situation. Instead, I unintentionally made things worse._

_I hadn't known what your people might have thought until Jaal informed me of possible concerns. You should know that logically, it makes no sense to start a war over the possible death over someone as low in rank as myself, and the fact that the child was involved would already create doubt on what would occur._

_To be honest, I am unsure what my words would mean to you, but I still wished to thank you, and attempt to dispel any concerns regarding the incident._

_I wish you well and will attempt not to waste more of your time by contacting you._

_As Jaal says it, "Stay strong and clear."_

You finally considered Jaal's request. It was hard, but it needed to be done. Why was it always so nerve wracking to do this kind of thing? Less than an hour later, you found yourself wondering if all angara responded to notices and messages so quickly.

_Re: Communication from Pathfinder's Cook_

_To: Pathfinder's Cook_

_From: Evfra de Tershaav_

_I am surprised you are not as arrogant as the Pathfinder._

_From what I observed of your actions, you did your best to avoid an incident and from bringing harm to one of our children. I am reluctant to admit it, but your actions showed that you still cared about a stranger's well-being more than your own, as does this message. It is a foolish thing, but an admirable one._

_Your words did provide me some comfort and worry at the same time. I have seen wars and battles made over someone in less rank than you. Do not underestimate the value you hold._

_Stay strong and clear._

Thank goodness you didn't botch that up. While a part of you doubted his words, you would confer to his experience. At least the matter was settled now.

What was this about Ryder being arrogant though?

* * *

You were speaking with different accents again. This time you were a mixture of British and German. You didn't even know German.

Jaal thinks it's fascinating. You think it's confusing, and you were kind of insecure about it.

A lot of people find it funny when you start speaking with an Australian and Xhosa articulation. You didn't know the latter, but you guessed you may have picked up something from the rest of the crew.

...It's not that funny.

* * *

You didn't know much about the kett, and it was apparent that though the angara had faced them for lifetimes, neither did they.

Jaal had come in looking far more tired than usual. Ryder and the others were helping a female angara walk in before Lexi moved her to one of the exam tables. Jaal sat across from you, his eyes empty. You asked Ryder what happened away from Jaal since you were unsure what the best approach might be. One Ryder informed you, it hurt.

Exaltation wasn't an easy thing to learn about, so witnessing it? You couldn't imagine how Jaal or the Moshae felt. So, you did the best thing you could do, you cooked.

Warily, you approached Jaal and the Moshae, offering cookies that Jaal said he liked. The Moshae was confused until Jaal siltently, slowly, took one, and bit into it. There was a fraction of a soft smile there. He was about to say something when you put down the tray. You were still anxious about this kind of thing, but you knew scientifically that physical contact strengthened coping mechanisms in most beings.

So, you hugged him.

_Grief. Pain. Anger. Sorrow..._

It wasn't easy.

_Depression. Agony. Rage. Confusion..._

You were tense, and every second you wanted to run away.

_AnGuIsH. DeSoLaTiOn. FuRy. MiSeRy..._

But, Jaal was your friend. At least, you hoped he was.

_TORMENT. DEVASTATION. TURBULENCE. FEAR..._

He trembled at first, but hugged you back, salty water trickling onto your shoulders. It was a very, very short while later he pushed you back, albeit gently. His smile was more honest now, even if a little creepy to you. "Thank you."

You didn't say anything, numb even as you felt tears streaking your cheeks. Jaal startled, as did the Moshae. You shuddered. "I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I don't know how to help. I'm sorry. I'm sorry..."

No, you couldn't feel what he did, and in some ways, that's what hurt the most.

* * *

This Moshae person was in dire need of something to eat. Jaal had talked on your behalf, and you did your best to serve a dish similar to pie, but this had [quilloa fruit](https://masseffectandromeda.gamepedia.com/Quilloa_Fruit), which had more cellulose and minerals than most, but still liquid enough to re-hydrate. Learning about of all these plants and new food sources had been fun to talk about with Lexi and Suvi. Some were anxious when you first experimented with the different foods, but you had enough experience to hazard what might happen.

The Moshae groaned happily, "Thank you. That is very refreshing."

You didn't think that was the word that should've been used to describe it, but whatever works, well, works. Jaal started to lean over to grab some of the treats you made, and you smacked the back of his hand with your spatula, glaring. The Moshae laughed, "You remind me of Sahuna."

"[Sauna-](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/313109.php)what now?"

"[Sahuna](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCxGZdE721k), my true mother," Jaal explained, melancholy that you had kept him away from the sweets. What? They were for the Moshae. "She is very interested in the crew."

More likely she was interested in meeting Ryder. You weren't normally good at reading expressions, but damn those two made it obvious. Sighing in exasperation, you gave Jaal one of the treats, contemplating whether you wanted to try one. When your indecision showed, Lexi came over, picked one up, and practically shoved it in your mouth.

"Doctor?!"

"This idiot rarely indulges in their own food," Lexi huffed, folding her arms. "They're more interested in what others think."

You frowned, having eaten the snack. "It's fun making stuff that other people will like though. They...It's easier to see if they like what I give them." It's easier to figure out what they want or don't like. "And it's fun decorating and seeing what certain combinations work." You smirked, "Vetra likes the brandy infused dextro chocolate I made by the way. She wants to sell it. I'm starting to consider her offer."

"What will she pay you?" Jaal asked out of curiosity.

"Some more ingredients and tools," you replied, tentatively taking another pastry before giving the rest of the plate to the Moshae. "Not interested in money or anything expensive. I like useful stuff more." The Moshae was looking at you in a weird way. "What?"

"You are strange for your species."

Her statement was bittersweet to say the least. You were an alien among humans, and an alien among aliens.

"Yeah. I get that, a lot."

* * *

 _"_ Jaal, the matter was resolved, and he has more important issues to attend to than to continue communications with-" Your omni-device beeped, showing that you had received a message. It was from Evfra. Narrowing your eyes at Jaal, you whispered, "What did you do?"

The angara was still smiling, "I may have persuaded him that it would be wise to build ties with the aliens since they have gained trust of the people after rescuing the Moshae."

"...Wouldn't it make more sense to befriend Ryder then?" you asked, trying to figure out his intent. "Or an ambassador? Or-"

"He is still distrustful," Jaal explained. "You are of interest to him, and he finds you less...Irritating than some that he's met."

What did Ryder do?

"He doesn't even know me," you said. "Why should should he trust me?"

Jaal was smirking again. Shit. What was he up to? "You just sounded a great deal like him. Perhaps you will share many opinions and interests." At your further doubt, he said, "Please, consider it."

* * *

_Communication from Evfra de Tershaav_

_To: Pathfinder's Cook_

_From: Evfra de Tershaav_

_Jaal has suggest that in light of recent events that I should create better ties with those not of this world._

_I am not one for building bonds, but I do recognize there is much I need to learn about other cultures for the sake of my people._

_Will you help me?_

That was straightforward, and simple. It was a lot less weird than how Jaal made things sound.

_Communication from Evfra de Tershaav_

_To: Evfra de Tershaav_

_From: Pathfinder's Cook_

_Jaal has spoken to me as well. I found his phrasing strange as he suggested we should befriend one another to build trust._

_I hope I do not seem offensive, but I don't even know you, let alone trust you. Friendship is something that is difficult for me to build._

_I would, however, be glad to explain our peoples' history and culture best I can. I suggest you gain research from other sources though, for there is a bias to each one whether they recognize it or not._

_Stay strong and clear._

_..._

_Idioms_

_To: Pathfinder's Cook_

_From: Evfra de Tershaav_

_There are many idioms and phrases of your people that I do not understand. They appear to depend on them greatly without regarding how we may not understand such things. It makes communication difficult._

_Here is a compiled list:_

  1. _Trojan Horse - what is a horse?_
  2. _Idee ten tee error - refers to technological errors?_
  3. _A dime a dozen - what is a dime?_
  4. _Beating a dead horse - whatever a horse is, why would someone beat a dead one? That is very disrespectful._
  5. _By the skin of your teeth - Do humans have skin on their teeth?_
  6. _Caught between a rock and a hard place - Does this have any historical significance?_



_There are more, but these are the phrases that are used most and thus need to be translated._

...

_Re: Idioms_

_To: Evfra de Tershaav_

_From: Pathfinder's Cook_

_I am not the best at idioms, but these are common enough that I know them._

_Before anything else, as a horse has been referred to multiple times, I'll be attaching images to help understand what they are and what they look like. In general, a[horse](https://i.rmbl.ws/s8/2/h/f/J/P/hfJPa.caa.1.mp4?b=0&u=7gve) is a odd-toed ungulate mammal herbivore and can be ridden for convenience. They come in multiple breeds and varying sizes, some only coming up to your knee (yes, yours), and others may tower over you._

  1. _Trojan Horse is a historical and mythological reference to an ancient period on Earth (my home world), where two warring factions’ had been battling over the control of a city. The faction attempting to invade the city recognized their forces were outmatched and used subterfuge to gain access. They did this by building a giant, wooden horse to hide their soldiers in with the illusion that the horse was a gift. They snuck out when no one would suspect anything and destroyed the city of Troy. Thus, the wooden horse was dubbed the[Trojan Horse](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOAraslCkgU)._
    1. _In general, to describe someone or something as this means that while it seems beneficial, there is a deceptive quality to it, and the kind one should take caution of._
  2. _I-D-10-T is a series of letters and a number made by computer experts to convey when someone trying to use technology inefficiently and is a user in error is an idiot._
  3. _A dime is a type of currency from Earth history, typically made of metallic alloys. I am unsure of the history behind it, but it means that something is rare and may be hard to find._
    * . _A similar and otherwise popular phrase may be "A diamond in the rough," meaning that valuable items or in some instances, people, are valuable but difficult to find or gain._
  4. _Again, there are some idioms I do not know the origin of, but it means that you are wasting time and energy on something that has been rendered useless._
    * . _Horses are typically regarded fondly as companions and sacred animals in some cultures from Earth. Very few humans use this phrase due to the nature of the idiom and how barbaric it may seem. It may not be my place to say this, but I do not like this phrase as it indicates that whoever said it is a "Trojan Horse"._
  5. _To do something by the skin of your teeth means that it was barely done or is extremely difficult to do._
    * . _Humans do not have skin on their teeth, although we do have a protective outer layer called, "[enamel"](http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/9/99/Blausen_0863_ToothAnatomy_02.png/220px-Blausen_0863_ToothAnatomy_02.png)primarily made from minerals. It is the hardest tissue of the human body and protects teeth from damage that may occur from use._
  6. _This means being forced to make a difficult or seemingly impossible decision._
    * . _The idiom originated from laborers (miners) in early[Earth history.](https://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/between-a-rock-and-a-hard-place.html)They were faced between the choice of working in dangerous circumstances that could lead to their demise, or face unemployment which would leave them and their loved ones in poverty. Thus, the miners were stuck between choosing to work in the mines (a rock) and being unemployed (a hard place)._



_I hope this provides some assistance._

...

_Re: Re: Idioms_

_To: Pathfinder's Cook_

_From: Evfra de Tershaav_

_This has helped greatly, and I find the additional information valuable._

_I used the phrase, "Between a rock and a hard place" much to the confusion of the aliens I have contacted. They inquired if I knew where it came from, and only one verified it, saying it was a past little known. May I ask how you are aware?_

_You were correct in your assessment of the one who used "Beating a dead horse". They are from Kadara, a very untrustworthy planet. I will not provide unnecessary details, but they were attempting to con many of our own regarding much needed supplies._

_May I contact you for further inquiries such as this?_

...

_Re: Re: Re: Idioms_

_To: Evfra de Tershaav_

_From: Pathfinder's Cook_

_I read history for both factual and for personal use. In the past I have struggled with understanding idioms and metaphors. researching them as aided me greatly._

_I am glad I was able to provide something useful. Jaal has made his dislike for the planet abundantly clear. Ryder says we are to visit soon. I hope that all goes well._

_Yes, you may continue to contact me._

* * *

Evfra and Jaal were right, Kadara sucked.

Everything was either too loud or too quiet. And some people just felt... _Greasy_ for a lack of better terms. Normally you might say slimy, but that's not a good thing to say about people.

And this one guy Reyes? He was a greasy car salesman, but without the car. That, and he kept saying sarcastic and flirty stuff.

Yep, you hated Kadara.

* * *

_Explain yourself..._

_To: Pathfinder's Cook_

_From: Evfra de Tershaav_

_Explain why you continuously walk into walls and doorways, but can use long-range weaponry AND navigate through a jungle._

...

_Re:Explain yourself..._

_To: Evfra de Tershaav_

_From: Pathfinder's Cook_

_I am unsure, but Kallo said it might have something to do with how I am neurodivergent._

_Those who are neurodivergent can have difficulty navigating[fine motor skills, or gross motor skills.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l93BTYyHG0c&feature=youtu.be) However, these skills are not necessarily the same or connected to [hand -eye](https://www.cognifit.com/science/cognitive-skills/eye-hand-coordination) coordination, balance, agility, speed, power, or reaction [time](https://www.livestrong.com/article/534286-six-components-of-fitness-related-to-motor-skills/). The same can be said in reverse._

_Flat surfaces have always been strange, because they don't have "texture". They are rarely natural and it can be hard to sense where you are. That's why rocks or uneven ground and surfaces are more bearable. As for archery, I don't entirely know. It might have to do with the different kinds of motor skills as mentioned above._

* * *

Occasionally, Evfra would ask for your opinion on matters either of little importance, or of great.

_Possible Strategies on Dealing with Humans_

_To: Pathfinder's Cook_

_From: Evfra de Tershaav_

_Why does Pathfinder Ryder insist on charging into danger?_

_..._

_Re: Possible Strategies on Dealing with Humans_

_To: Evfra de Tershaav_

_From: Pathfinder's Cook_

_Pathfinders are supposed to lead different species and people from different cultures to safety and organize colonies._

_Ryder has been overworked as of late. There are moments where I worry Ryder may collapse._

_I will not ask that you take it easy on them but do consider the phrase that Pathfinders are not just travelers, but carry entire worlds on their shoulders._

* * *

You two shared some aspects of your cultures, and a little bit about yourselves. He told you about how his family had been put into a slave camp nearly a decade ago. You told him about some of your troubles, and old hobbies like how you used to practice archery. You only told him about the minor stuff. You didn't want to trouble him too much.

_Your reasons?_

_To: Pathfinder's Cook_

_From: Evfra de Tershaav_

_Something that has confounded me are the reasons your species would travel to an unnavigated sector of space without knowing what is out ere. Can you elaborate?”_

_Re: Your reasons?_

_To: Evfra de Tershaav_

_From: Pathfinder's Cook_

_It depends on the person. For instance, Liam wanted to explore and learn new things. For him, it’s also a new beginning. Some people, like the Krogan, wanted to escape prejudice and provide a new hope for their people. Salarians, I think, are mostly invested in scientific discoveries._

_In general though, I think people are naturally curious of the unknown, and all want something either they can’t have, or just a place different from what they knew._

_Re: Re: Your reasons?_

_To: Pathfinder's Cook_

_From: Evfra de Tershaav_

_Why did you come to this galaxy?_

_You have expressed discomfort of the new and unfamiliar, as well as trying to interact with others, which is a requirement of being here._

It took you a while to find the right words. It usually did. That was why you preferred writing instead of speaking. There was more time to figure out what you wanted to say without the awkwardness of trying to do it in the moment.

_Re: Re: Re: Your reasons?_

_To: Evfra de Tershaav_

_From: Pathfinder's Cook_

_My reasons are not so different from everyone else’s._

_I wanted to be part of something without the prejudice I knew before. I am different, and I am unashamed of that fact, but the reason I am reluctant to be near people, is because I fear others’ reactions._

_No matter where I went, or who I spoke to, I was an alien among aliens._

_There is not as much pressure or restriction to fit others’ mold. We are creating our own society, we are adapting, and we are learning._

_To many of the people here, needs are recognized. I am still an alien in more ways than one, but at least I’m a person._

_Re: Re: Re: Re: Your reasons?_

_To: Pathfinder's Cook_

_From: Evfra de Tershaav_

_I am starting to understand why so many left the galaxy they originated from._

Soon, the words became easier and easier to write, and easier to answer.

* * *

_Recipes_

_To: Pathfinder's Cook_

_From: Evfra de Tershaav_

_The Moshae has convinced me to try some of the recipes you sent to the Angaran embassy._

_Some were blander than others, but they are better than what I've experienced of human meals. Spicier herbs are more flavorful, and sweets can be nauseating. Attached are Angaran fruits and vegetables. You could find a rough equivalent._

_It will already help to feed our people, but I would request you find a way to make the food more preservable? Supplies are limited, and in most battlefields we carry paste as it lasts long and is less likely to sicken us than other foods should they rot._

_How did you find something palatable for a people not your own?_

_..._

_Re: Recipes_

_To: Evfra de Tershaav_

_From: Pathfinder's Cook_

_It's understandable why you did as she said. Is it rude to admit the Moshae frightens me a little? I don't believe I could ever mimic her bravery or the power she carries. Her kindness can be overwhelming, though admirable._

_Thank you for letting me know. People tend to give me comments where criticism is needed. I have made notes of your input, and will seek to find alternatives. I have various methods that may be able to feed those fighting. It's not the first time I've set out on such a task._

_Jaal gave much of the same opinion of human meals as you did, so I asked him to try foods from other races. The ones he preferred had specific biochemistry and similar herbs or spices. Yes, he scanned them all first before doing so to ensure it was safe for him to consume. From there, I found similar matter in human foods, and combined them into different recipes, each meal with different textures and scents to make them more appealing._

* * *

_Befriended an Adhi_

_To: Evfra de Tershaav_

_From: Pathfinder's Cook_

_Apparently they like chocolate and blueberries._

_I'm making chocolate blueberry clusters to toss at them. Maybe your people could use them?_

_..._

_Re: Befriended an Adhi_

_To: Pathfinder's Cook_

_From: Evfra de Tershaav_

_While this is valuable information, and I am considering your suggestion, I must ask how a civilian came across an adhi in the first place when they are supposed to stay safe aboard a supposedly well-guarded vessel._

_..._

_Re:Re: Befriended an Adhi_

_To: Evfra de Tershaav_

_From: Pathfinder's Cook_

_Some raiders were using them for sport and/or training them for combat. One of them smelled a snack bag I'd been making for Nakmor Kesh, who needs to eat healthier foods beyond Galaxy Swirls, and bit a piece of my clothing off looking for it._

_Vetra almost shot the poor thing. It just wanted some decent meals and a good scratching._

_[Attached are pictures of a group of adhi gobbling up candies and playing fetch with Ryder using biotic abilities to throw various objects. There are also pictures of the Pathfinder's Cook scratching under an adhi's chin, and Kallo Jath yelling something at an adhi sleeping on top of the ship]_

_..._

_Re:Re:Re: Befriended an Adhi_

_To: Pathfinder's Cook_

_From: Evfra de Tershaav_

_You astound me with your blinding optimism in such a perilous situation._

_To my dread, the Moshae is both interested in your proposed "snacks", and in adopting the adhi._

_Please, spare me further headaches._

_..._

_Re:Re:Re:Re: Befriended an Adhi_

_To: Evfra de Tershaav_

_From: Pathfinder's Cook_

_Optimism? No. It's more like a poorly masked coping mechanism to make the fact I could've died a little easier to deal with. I appreciate the sentiment though._

_Just got her message. Vetra's arranging for deliveries now._

_I've also asked her to send you some headache medicine I've made for Angara. Jaal, I fear he may be turning into an overexcited test subject against my advice,has said it works for him, as it does for various members of the Nexus. I still recommend for a test run through proper forms and channels in concern for potential side effects. If it works though, hopefully it helps you._

_..._

_Re:Re:Re:Re:Re: Befriended an Adhi_

_To: Pathfinder's Cook_

_From: Evfra de Tershaav_

_Do see a doctor about that. It would be detrimental should you fall ill in any way._

_The Moshae has tried the chocolate blueberry clusters. It was a very poor decision to give her, and the young ones, such food that grants that amount of energy. I believe you call it a "sugar rush"?_

_Against reasoning and all forms of rational thought, I tried the headache medicine. I was admittedly desperate. It works._

_..._

_Re:Re:Re:Re:Re: Re: Befriended an Adhi_

_To: Evfra de Tershaav_

_From: Pathfinder's Cook_

_I apologize for causing both of our headaches. Jaal got some too. Thankfully I snuck some to his mother and she promises that the next time he visits his family will grant my revenge by having sugar rushes of their own. Mwahahaha!_

_I'm starting to worry if I'm a bad influence on you. That was incredibly risky. Should I stop messaging?_

_..._

_Re:Re:Re:Re:Re: Re: Befriended an Adhi_

_To: Pathfinder's Cook_

_From: Evfra de Tershaav_

_I pity Jaal for the chaos he is about to endure. I approve._

_You always provide information that may be useful or is of valid concern. Besides that, our scientists scanned and evaluated your provision. The decision was not taken lightly. Continue updating me._

_Stay strong and clear._

* * *

Ryder groaned, "Evfra is so damned _salty_!"

Salty? What, did Ryder do something with Evfra? That didn't make any sense considering Ryder was basically obsessed with Jaal and vice versa? Were they polygamous? Did that bother you? Oh no, were you afraid or hateful of polygamy? No, you didn't think so. You felt like you would support that kind of thing if the relationship(s?) were happy and healthy. What bothered you about that possibility? Was there something-

Your fingers were moving again. Damn, it was hard not to fidget. 

"Salty?" Drack asked.

Cora snorted, "It means that the person is irritating, or someone is bitter about something."

Right, because salt was bitter. That made sense. You had been thinking about how people exude salt in sweat and other bodily fluids and that Ryder and some of the others used sexual innuendos frequently and-

...You really wished you could control where your thoughts went because there were some things you never wanted to imagine.

Still, you couldn't help but ask, "How is Evfra bitter, er, salty?"

"He's really aloof and enjoys insulting people. He doesn't react to much of anything, and his voice usually sounds flat. Other than being sadistic, he's basically a statue."

Flat, as in he sounded monotone? And, emotionless? "I don't understand." When the crew stared at you, you knew that somehow you had to defend your thought process, again, without anyone truly explaining theirs. "Evfra leads a resistance to protect his people. That means he has _some_ compassion."

You turned to each crew member that you addressed in what you said next. 

"Isn't he willing to let you into the vaults? Tell you everything he can within reason? He lets us get weapons despite being wary because he knows we need them. He lets Cora see videos of angaran culture and training exercises. And would you say I'm flat or monotone when it comes to certain topics?"

"Well, sometimes."

You narrowed your eyes, "So, I'm emotionless then? I don't care?"

"That's not what I-"

Nope, you weren't going to put up with that. You had to put up with it for far too long. "Let me get this straight, Ryder, you're under constant stress but you have to keep a cool head to lead everyone. Don't you think that makes you seem cold to some other people? Does that mean you don't feel anything?"

The Pathfinder blushed, not able to look at you. You didn't want to guilt your leader, but you weren't sure how else to help Ryder understand. You wished that you did. "He's even aloof from those he works with. He talks most of the time with mayor, but even she has a hard time getting close."

"Did you ever consider how hard it is on him to need to sacrifice some of his people to save everyone else?" you asked. You knew that much, even without the messaging that had been happening. It made sense once you considered what he has to do with his life. "Maybe, it's hard to get attached because you don't want to get hurt anymore. Maybe it's easier to do the right thing if you focus on goals instead of yourself." This time, it didn't bother you, as much, when you looked in their eyes. "We all know being a leader requires sacrifice and being tactical. If he loses someone, he might compromise himself, and through him, the entire Resistance."

How many times had you fallen apart only to tell yourself to keep hanging on for the sake of others? How many times had you needed to be the stable one even with how much you had to go through? "Do you really think that pretty words and promises are going to be enough? He needed, needs, actions, not words."

Thinking deeply, you didn't know that you asked out loud, "How could anyone think that [Evfra](https://detershaavv.tumblr.com/Bio) doesn't care?" Your fists were clenched, and you inhaled and exhaled to calm yourself. "I, I need to be excused."

You didn't even wait for an answer from any of the higher ups. There were just sometimes where you needed to walk away from a situation.

* * *

_Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Idioms_

_To: Pathfinder's Cook_

_From: Evfra de Tershaav_

_Here is another list:_

  1. _To be caught red-handed_
  2. _Fit as a fiddle_
  3. _Heard it on a grapevine_
  4. _Apple of my eye_



_I appreciate your assistance._

_..._

_Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Idioms_

_To: Evfra de Tershaav_

_From: Pathfinder's Cook_

  1. _To be caught red-handed means that there is indisputable evidence one has done something typically nefarious_
    1. _The reason the phrase is "red-handed" is because human blood is red, and so it references to hands being covered in blood._
  2. _Fit as a fiddle just means that you are in good health._
    * . _I don't know why it got the meaning that it does, but attached is what a fiddle or violin looks like. It is a musical instrument that uses strings made from metallic alloys, and the vibrations create sound by transmitting through multiple parts into the body of the instrument, which is made of wood. Different kinds of wood or metals change the dynamics of the sound greatly.[Age can play ](https://youtu.be/wlBYFXdoiD0?t=20)a huge factor. Interestingly enough, the smallest change in pressure or movement, even by 0.04 millimeters, can change a sound._
  3. _Heard it through a grapevine was a phrase used during a war on Earth for early form of distance communication with technology that used electronic signals. It means that information was gathered through an[unofficial resource](https://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/heard-it-through-the-grapevine.html). It doesn't mean that the source is unreliable or untrustworthy, but that the information should be taken with forethought. _
  4. _I am admittedly curious how you came across this particular phrase, as it's not very common presently. Generally, it gives the impression that someone is worthy of your attention and your affections. It means that you would[cherish them in some form or another.](https://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/the-apple-of-my-eye.html)_
    * . _Most might know this from a popular play from older times known as A Midsummer Night's Dream. I'm attaching the story's script[here](http://shakespeare.mit.edu/midsummer/full.html). As a warning, this was meant to be a poetic form of storytelling, so I can barely read it myself. Thus, I'm also giving you an [extremely simplified version](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1wMfOwlAZ8) for both of our sakes. As an additional note, I am not a fan of the writer's, Shakespeare's, works._
      1. _Apples are a fruit on Earth that holds a great deal of symbolism in multiple cultures and religions, so it may be prudent to know what it is. See[attachment](http://www.wisdomportal.com/Poems2010/AppleSymbolism.html)._



...

_Thank you for providing detailed information. It was very helpful._

  1. _This is a very dark phrase to use._
  2. _I believe I enjoy the sound the fiddle produces. The older instrument sounds better._
  3. _I am researching this primitive technology. I am reluctant to admit that this might help in the Resistance._
  4. _Ryder called Jaal an, "Apple of my eye." I did not understand the connotation. Is your Pathfinder seducing my soldier?_



_..._

_Evfra,_

_No, YOUR soldier has been saccharine in seducing MY Pathfinder._

_I am happy for them, but I do not believe I could ever stand the constant praise or physical contact that they do._

_It would be far too overwhelming._

_..._

_You would not enjoy constant praise?_

...

At least he knew physical contact wasn't something you were comfortable with. He never seemed to criticize you for it. That was something you appreciated.

_Praise isn't something I would want in a partner of any kind._

_Actions, small ones, mean a great deal more to me than anything else. They don't need to be big or loud or have to say it every day._

_I would want someone to recognize my struggles, and not say I'm brave for just existing or doing things others may find simple._

_I want someone who understands my needs without belittling me for them existing in the first place._

_I want someone who doesn't want to change me._

_I want someone who might be willing to understand what it means to always push past your own comfort zone._

_I want someone who doesn't need to tell me every moment what I am, because I want to know they feel that way. I want them to know that I might feel the same about them too._

_~~I want someone like you.~~_

Where did that last bit come from? Good thing you took it out. You were tempted to ask what kind of person he would look for, but you were already bordering on something inappropriate. You wanted his friendship if you could, and you wouldn't chance anything more, not when you couldn't provide something he might want.

You didn't want to change for anyone, not even him if you could help it.

...

..

.

_**Deleted Draft** _

**_Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Idioms_ **

**_To: Pathfinder's Cook_ **

**_From: Evfra de Tershaav_ **

**_I have been in love before. It wasn't perfect but it never needed to be. My loved ones were the best thing in my life, and they still are._ **

**_Losing those who mattered to me, and that made me feel like I mattered, has left me scarred._ **

**_There are times where making decisions make me feel as though I'm losing everything again._ **

**_If I found someone again, I would want someone to help me feel not so numb._ **

**_I would want someone who would listen and hear the words I have difficulty saying._ **

**_I would want someone I could talk to about small things in life, precious, difficult, and of no consequence most of all. But I also want someone with a mind of their own, who can converse of more troubling matters._ **

**_As uncomfortable as it might make me, I want someone who sees my scars, and tries to understand them._ **

**_I want someone to know that I care without me needing to say how I feel all of the time, and that I'm comfortable enough to know they feel the same for me._ **

**~~_I want you._~~**

* * *

You wore extra thick clothing when you visited Aya. Jaal said you could wear a rofjinn, but you didn't know if that was cultural appropriation or not, considering he flat out told Liam (why were they naked?!) that he couldn't wear it. They were testing each other's boundaries, and pushing yours in the process, for the sake of communication between species, but they had been asking some very real questions.

Ryder was out with Jaal, and everyone else had plans during the stay. Heck, even Kallo had plans, and he liked being on the ship, a lot. You had hoped that if you had to interact with anyone, it'd be him. Things got worse though, since you were surrounded by angara, all of whom were the same species as Jaal. Jaal, who you saw naked.

_You were surrounded by clothed naked people!_

Quick, distract yourself. Examining your surroundings, you realized that you were alone in a small garden area. It had a nice view to the forest and a waterfall in the distance. It was starting to rain. Tentative, you tugged down the scarf you used to help hide part of your face. Glancing around, you took off your parka, shivering a bit. Breathing in and out, you paced around, reciting recipes, calculations, and small things that would be inconsequential to most. Following recipes wasn't easy for you, and they rarely came out positive when you tried to follow them exactly. It's why experimenting was fun. It's why seeing what you could do was fun.

In the meantime, you needed to get rid of all your excess energy.

Well, there was something you could do. You sometimes sang alone in the kitchens when you made things. You just couldn't bring yourself to sing in front of a crowd alone. This was a nice chance to sing somewhere not full of things needing to be cleaned or organized. Double checking that you were alone, you closed your eyes, just feeling nature around you. It wasn't too wet, or too cold, or too humid here. What you were about to do was stupid, but...

Giggling, you began [sing](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBtNLgk90GY)[ing](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4LNn7t2Eww), "Here comes a wave meant to wash me away, a tide that is taking me under."

Thank goodness you were alone. You wouldn't have been able to do this in front of anyone, at least not on your own. Singing with Peebee or other members of the crew helped. It made you feel safer somehow. Now though? Now it was more freeing because no one could be here to judge you.

"Swallowed in sand, left with nothing to say, my voice drowned out in the thunder," you paused, stepping towards the balcony, and unable to stop your smile. There was a light drizzle out, how poetic. You weren't afraid to step into it. After all, you'd been told it was safe to be in. "But I won't cry, and I won't start to crumble. Whenever they try, to shut me or cut me down..." You began spinning in your own weird dance, and moving to your heart's content. It was silly, and made no sense and you loved every moment.

"I won't be silenced, you can't keep me quiet. Won't tremble when you try it. All I know is I won't go speechless..."

You didn't hear the footsteps approaching, lost in the feelings that were your own. You were free. "'Cause I'll breathe when they try to suffocate me. Don't you underestimate me, 'cause I know that I won't go speechless."

You couldn't stop your small laugh, even if it was a tired one. It was nice, feeling joy spread through you. It wasn't all powerful, or frightening in intensity. It was you. But, you halted, opening your mouth to sing more, but touching your throat. You shouldn't continue, not in such an unfamiliar place. You placed your hand over your heart, not singing as you had before. It was softer, exhausted.

"Written in stone, every rule, every word, centuries old and unbending. 'Stay in your place', 'Better seen and not heard'...Now that story is ending." You inhaled, throwing your hand away from your heart. "'Cause I, I cannot start to crumble. So come on and try, try to shut me and cut me down!"

Fuck it, you were alone, and you wouldn't get this chance again, if ever. For all you knew, with all of the trouble with the kett and these new worlds, you could die. So screw it. 

You were singing so freely that you could hear the echoes of the near empty halls echoing your words. It was embarrassing, but also kind of thrilling. You were hearing your own voice. "I won't be silent, you can't keep me quiet! Won't tremble when you try it, all I know is I won't go speechless. Speechless!"

Walking over to the balcony, you let water drip onto your fingers. Each drop had a sheen to it that was captivating. "Let the storm in, I cannot be broken. No, I won't live unspoken. 'Cause I know that I won't go speechless."

Your brows furrowed, and you let all the frustration and anger out. You let yourself be angry. "Try to lock me in this cage, I won't just lay me down and die. I will take these broken wings and watch me burn across the sky!"

The [figure](https://iamanemotionaltimebomb.tumblr.com/post/160500404139/chococri-evfra-likes-karaoke-you-better-deliver) in the shadows started to walk forward before stepping back. You still didn't notice as you sang everything you felt. "Hear the echo saying: I...! I won't be silenced, no you will not see me tremble when you try it. All I know is I won't go speechless! Speechless!"

After all this was done, you were going to run for your bloody life before someone found out what you've done. For now, totally worth it."'Cause I'll breathe when they try to suffocate me. Don't you underestimate me, 'cause I know that I won't go speechless." You wiped a couple of tears from your eyes, "All I know is I won't go speechless, speechless!"

You were out of breath, but unable to contain your smile as you stood in the rain, droplets dancing on your face. You hated being wet and dry at the same time, so you were letting yourself get soaked. You would probably hate yourself later for it, but now? You felt cleaner than you had for a long time.

Steeping inside, you found some of the water on your face wasn't from the rain. It was warm and salty as it spilled from your eyes. You chuckled bitterly, wiping them best you could.

Before anyone could properly see or catch you, you dashed for it.

It was only later that you realized you'd accidentally left your scarf behind.

* * *

Bumping into walls and doorways wasn't fun. Just, why did your body do this to you?

You just wanted to walk on flat surfaces for crying out loud!

At least you had a map you labeled a ton of notes on. Jaal helped, giving you ideas of where to go and not go.

You hoped to see the gardens. You'd heard those were nice.

Maybe you could find new ingredients.

"You're wet."

You turned around, seeing Evfra. He was staring at you, trying to read your expression. You weren't sure for what.

Was this weird? You'd only talked and communicated with Evfra through messages. It was different seeing him in real life. You weren't entirely sure what to say or do. 

Shrugging, you tried to compose yourself. "Being wet and dry at the same time makes me itchy. So, I need to be one or the other." There was a pause, and you were covered in a rofjinn. You'd felt Jaal's before, and before that one belonging to a kind stranger. They weren't too rough or too soft. The dye tended to change textures though. "Huh?"

"Your kind gets ill when they are exposed to rain, do they not?"

You shook your head, "It's not the rain that does it. When our body gets cold and exposed to moisture it makes us more vulnerable to some diseases, the most infamous being the common cold."

The crew always seemed confused that you could recite random things or trivia but had short term memory problems. Sometimes it frustrated a few members about having to repeat themselves. It was usually worse off the Tempest in public. Trying to work with those on the Nexus was rarely easy, especially when you needed things. At least Vetra helped. It didn't change things though.

Why did Evfra seem different in that regard?

He narrowed his eyes. "It is still not good for your health."

"I'm not contagious to you guys if I do get sick if that's what your concerned about. Our scientists, and yours, confirmed that." There was a slight flush to his cheeks. You wondered if anyone else would notice. "...I'll return this. But you should cover up too. It's cold out."

He huffed, "I am used to it. It doesn't bother me." For some reason, you doubted that. But, maybe he wasn't lying? Was it sarcasm? you needed to stop second guessing yourself. "Where are you going? Where are the rest of your people?"

You answered the latter half, figuring out what to say about the former. "I just wanted to see what this world was like, without getting shocked again...It's very beautiful."

You hadn't meant to say the last part as you looked around. Even the air smelled nice...And so did Evfra's rofjinn. Would it be creepy to asked what he used? As in what kind of soap? Yep, it probably was.

He cleared his throat, "I can show you one of the courtyards. You said you liked seeing plants and experimenting with ingredients, yes?"

Writing letters had been more fun as of late, the two of you speaking of things not too relevant to the rebellion. You grinned, "Yes, please."

* * *

"You are troubled."

It wasn't a question, but a statement. From where you were sitting on the ground, you looked at Evfra in confusion, "Huh?" He frowned, taking out your scarf from one of his pockets. You began stuttering, your cheeks changing color. "Y-You h-heard-?"

There was a slight uptick of his lips, if only for a millisecond. You noticed. "I didn't know humans could change color."

You covered your face, "It happens when we're stressed. Usually through physical exercise or embarrassment. I am very embarrassed right now."

It would be nice to have a Rubik's cube or fidget spinner right now. You settled for twiddling the tassels of your scarf instead. It wasn't the same, but it was something.

"Why?" You looked up at him. His gaze was even with yours. At first you tried looking between his eyes, but for some reason, it didn't hurt looking into his eyes. There wasn't anything piercing you or burning. It was just, him. "It... Was pleasant."

You grew even warmer than before. "I uh, er...Thank you?"

This was uncomfortable, for both of you. He held out his hand, and you took it. He helped you up, and you found your scarf wrapped around you once more. You weren't sure how to interpret how he looked at you. "...May I touch you?"

Tilting your head, you blinked. "I, I don't know."

You honestly didn't. With Jaal, it hadn't hurt, but it was overwhelming. But, Evfra wasn't saying anything about it supposedly building up your tolerance. He just, wanted to try physical contact? 

"I will do my best not to hurt you, if you let me."

He wanted your consent. He wasn't pushing you. You were given a choice, one that you could reject if you didn't want to do something.

Tentative, you removed the gloves you wore. They were tiny compared to everything else you wore. He removed his own glove, meeting your gaze before barely touching your fingertips. You flinched, having shut your eyes instinctively. But you didn't freeze. Instead, you opened your eyes in shock, looking between him and your joined hands.

"I... Why doesn't this hurt?"

"I have great control over what I project," he murmured, voice soft.

That had to take a lot of effort. He probably had practice to maintain control at all times. You had some idea of what that was like.

It wasn't just the bio-electricity that bothered you most of the time though. You felt anxious around others too, including your own species. Heck, _especially_ your own species. But, because this was kind of nice, you let yourself feel what was there. There was a light tingling sensation. It was strange, but not bad. And the emotions? There was curiosity, assurance, a small amount of sorrow, a lot of anger that miraculously didn't sear into you, and something else that you couldn't identify.

You smiled, giggling, "It's ticklish."

"Ticklish?"

Oh, he sounded offended. Was that the wrong thing to say? You hadn't meant it to be offensive. "Yeah, like the kind from feathers or something nice. Not the crowding kind that pokes at you. And, it's warm, but not too much." Carefully, you withdrew, allowing yourself to breathe. "Thank you."

His hand lingered in the air for a bit before he put his own gloves on. This time, he didn't quite meet your eyes. That was okay, you didn't like staring into people's eyeballs for overly excessive periods of time. "...It is best for you not to fear our kind so much."

That made sense. Everything he did made some sense. It was a pleasant thing. Everyone else’s cold was your warmth.

"It's not really you guys I'm afraid of," you said. "I just don't like touching in general, even for my species. It's, usually too much. The bio-electricity just enhances everything. Like everyone else, as long as I'm not touched, as long as it isn't overwhelming or painful, I don't mind being around you."

Deep down, you wondered if you meant 'you' as in his people, or just him. Either one worked. He shifted in his stance, and you wondered what somebody like him could be nervous about around you. "Will you sing again? We're alone now. I know no one else will be here for the next cycle."

You blushed again, "I... I don't normally sing in front of people, unless they sing with me. The only reason I did it back there was because I thought I was alone." Seeing his disappointment stirred something in you. You trembled slightly, "Just, please don't make fun of me?" 

His gloved hand found yours, "You do not have to." You had flinched, and you were staring at the fingers holding yours. He did something for you, he did a lot of things for you, so shouldn't you do something for him? You knew he wouldn't pressure you, but at the same time, you _wanted_ to do this. You were tired of feeling so anxious all the time. Maybe, just this once? He pulled away quickly, knowing what he did, "I apologi-"

It was weird, and but not unbearable. You still didn't like being touched, and that wasn't going to change anytime soon, but admittedly, some people's touches were nicer than others. "...Here comes a wave to wash me away...A tide that's taking me under."

You didn't dare look at his face, your body and voice shaking. "Swallowing sand, left with nothing to say, my voice drowned out in the thunder..."

Inhaling, you uttered, lying to yourself, "But I won't cry, and I won't start to crumble. Whenever they try, to shut me or cut me down..."

This time, there was a voice joining you. You snapped up, hearing Evfra say, "I won't be silenced, you can't keep me quiet. Won't tremble when you try it. All I know is I won't go speechless."

He was just as uncomfortable as you, doing something so out of character, and you doubted he'd ever do such a thing like this again. Was he accommodating you? Was he trying to make you more comfortable? Smiling, you joined him. It was an odd sound at first, your voices joining. It felt right though. "'Cause I'll breathe, when they try to suffocate me. Don't you underestimate me, 'cause I know that I won't go speechless."

There was a long pause, drawn out by something you didn't know.

You _wanted_ to know.

* * *

At the ship, you started to take off the rofjinn to return it to Evfra. He pushed it back into your hands. "Keep it. You need to stay safe, and warm."

It did no good to assume anything. But you at least wanted to make things equal. You fingered your scarf for a moment before offering it. "It's not much, but I'd like you to have it, if you're willing."

He slowly took it, nodding. "I will keep it safe." He said your name, softly. You looked at him. "Farewell."

"Stay strong and clear."

As your back turned, you could've sworn you saw a smile from him. You didn't comment on it out loud, but you found it dazzling and not like a creepy, murderous clown's.

On board the ship, the crew was staring at you, and Jaal was grinning. He shared a look with Ryder, the latter flushed, but grinning as well. Blinking, you asked Jaal and Ryder, "How was the waterfall?"

"Yes, Ryder, how was it?" Peebee asked, arching a brow.

Both people coughed before Ryder said, "It was gorgeous, spectacular, and I can't wait to be there again."

Jaal was beaming.

Wait, did those two-? Damn they were obvious. Jaal nodded to the rofjinn Evfra gave you, "I see Evfra gifted you something."

That was also obvious. "He said he didn't want me getting sick for being out in the rain. It's okay, I'm not contagious to the angara if I do get sick."

Drack grumbled, "That's not why he did it."

"Is it bad to get this?" you asked. "Did I offend him, and he didn't tell me?"

"You," Vetra groaned, "You need to learn tact."

This coming from an assassin? Was that a good thing?

Liam got your attention, "Did you just give him your parent's scarf?"

It was one that was passed down to your parent, by their mother, and that mother's father. It was considered an heirloom, and a good luck charm. You used to sleep with it as a kid, finding the mixture of soft and roughness comforting. It made you believe that there was always hope for the future. And Evfra? Even if he didn't understand it, he needed luck, and maybe a little faith. "Yes. He gave me this, so I thought it fair to do the same."

Liam grimaced, "He doesn't even know how valuable that is. It's one of the last scarves made from Earth, from plants long gone. We don't even have those on our ships, or on the Nexus."

Jaal was staring at you. You sighed, "Maybe I think that he's worth that and more. Besides, knowing my family, they'd want him to have it too."

You walked past everyone, not bothered by their looks. Evfra was strict, and a bit hard, but he needed to be. That didn't make him unfeeling, or impossible to feel about.

* * *

Jaal and the other members of the Tempest had been grinning at you incessantly, but it was Peebee who finally asked, "So, you and Evfra?"

Damn it, for all the acting you could pull off, you were a shitty liar. Sighing, you replied, "What about us?

"Are you two, y'know?" Peebee made a series of inappropriate, suggestive, hand gestures. Your cheeks burned. "Aw, that's a no then."

Oh no, would Efvra be like a naked Jaal but blue? Maybe some more scars? Crap, now you had more unwanted images in your head than usual. There was a church on the Nexus, right? Or at least someplace for people to practice religion? You were going to get some holy water ASAP. Frowning, you glanced at the others anxiously.

Damn it, you were going to catch on fire at this rate. Eyes cast downwards, you added, "Look, I think we're friends at most. And, I'm not sure if either of us would be interested..." Especially with how different the two of you were. "I don't think I'd mind, but, I'm not sure."

You tried being earnest, and it got somewhat of the reaction you'd been hoping for. Drack chuckled, "No problem, kid. Just let us know if he tries anything. We've got your back."

That was, kind of sweet. Plus, a krogan fighting for you? You didn't know if you should be honored or mortified.

* * *

"Suvi, stop trying to eat Heleus flora again," you scolded. "I'm tired of sending you up to Lexi."

"And on that note," Lexi interrupted on the coms. "You need to come up for a physical."

Multiple crew members, who were listening in as part of a group conversation, asked begrudgingly who needed it this time. She said your name, and you wondered what made everyone so disturbed by the concept. Yeah, the touching was uncomfortable, but Lexi tried not to push your boundaries too much. She did actually care about patients, believe it or not.

"Coming up," you responded, ignoring the looks you were getting. Arriving in the medic bay, you asked, "So, do I need to take off my clothes this time?"

For a lot of people, apparently that was flirting. Nudity wasn't something you were comfortable with, either being nude yourself or seeing someone else nude. You were still a little sore about how Jaal and Liam could've given you at least a little warning. You were glad Lexi knew you didn't think that way, at least not easily. She pat her hand on the padded seat. "Over here. And, yes, take off your shirt."

You did just that. It was, it made you feel vulnerable, but you tried to logic your way out of it. Besides, there was a psychological aspect you could appreciate. It was a little interesting to learn how you compared to neurotypicals of your species. After all, no one really defined what _normal_ meant. You always had to figure that out for yourself based on what they did or said. For your tests, it sometimes included nerve induction inspections. Old tests involved putting needles into limbs to get better results, and nowadays they just scanned deeply. Oh, and your brainwave activity was slightly different from most of your kind. Some signals didn't quite reach where they should have. It was always fun to watch, provided you didn't die from it.

Lexi had you move limbs, practice stretching and short exercises, a few vision and motor reactions. You had a lot of troubles in these areas, but Lexi also studied your reactions in different areas using virtual reality simulations and measuring how you moved in places differing from smooth or flat surfaces.

"So, no genitalia inspections?" you asked warily.

That was probably what uneased everyone so much. It was understandable. "Not this time, but I do need to talk to you about other kinds of biology."

"Oh, does it have to do with the chemical compounds we talked about earlier?"

The two of you had been discussing medicinal properties in some of the plants you had collected along with nutrients in foods you wanted to try making. It was always good to learn what was flammable or not.

Lexi looked like she wanted to say something, but didn't. You could've been misreading her expression though. You weren't really good at reading faces.

She shook her head, professional as always. Well, at least she was giving you a juice box. Now you _knew_ she was going to say something weird. The doctor waited for you to finish taking your first sip to say, "This is about your physical relationship with Evfra de Tershaav." You grimaced, and she added, "I know it's a private matter but-"

"You're my physician. It's normal for you to ask about potential sexual activity," you murmured, taking another gulp of your juice. It was relaxing, even if it seemed a bit childish. "Lexi, we're not in a relationship, and we haven't done anything. I've also no immediate plans for anything pertaining to any sexual activity."

Lexi winced, "Fair enough." Oh goodness she didn't tease or endlessly question you on you and Evfra...You were still trying to learn what was happening yourself. "It's not just that. Can you even copulate?"

With your hypersensitivity and aversion to bodily contact? That was an interesting question.

"In a general matter as between humans and angara, or just me?"

The doctor snorted, "We both know some of the things that's happened between Ryder and Jaal. And yes, I ask them frequently about their experiences to address any concerns. Jaal is far more forthcoming about it than Ryder."

Of course he was. Ugh, there were some things you _never_ wanted to know. Rubbing the back of your neck, you sighed. "But Ryder isn't neurodivergent to your knowledge, or at least they aren't hypersensitive to physical contact."

"Exactly," Lexi said. She paused, sitting down next to you, but not touching. Next to the angara, asari were the next species you were most wary of. The whole mindmeld thing? And how intuitive they could be? It was still a bit frightening sometimes to think about. Were you prejudiced for that? You hoped not, you really liked Lexi and Peebee. That, and you didn't want to be a bad person. "I know this seems invasive."

"Again, you're my physician," you said, rolling your eyes. "Besides, I'm not the only neurodivergent person out there. Just keep in mind not all neurodivergents are like me." Lexi nodded. Thinking carefully, you tried to explain. "When it comes to touching, it's best for someone to ask so that we can at least mentally prepare ourselves better. There are also moments where we crave being touched or held so much that it confuses us just as much as it does others. That alone can make us want to stay away because it's hard to process why your body wants something one second when it's typically averse to it."

"But, there is the idea that your body _can_ yearn for physical contact?"

You nodded. "It's not something I can just, control."

"And, sexual urges?"

"Depends on the person," you said, shrugging. "Some don't have sexual desires at all, some have a ton of it. In that matter, we're not that different from neurotypicals. As for me, I do feel sexual desires, but there's not always the urge to follow through on them. And then there are rare moments where I want something so badly I'm not sure what to do with that. It's, it's like my mind doesn't match with what my body's trying to tell me. So, my head usually wins out." Shrugging, you muttered, "I must seem really weird."

"You haven't met most of my patients," Lexi chuckled. "Everyone is different, and have their preferences. There is no shame in this." It was bittersweet, being told that. "And if Evfra wants to do anything? It's your choice. You shouldn't push yourself. Do you understand?"

A lot of people kept saying that. It was a nice change of pace.

* * *

_About Kadara..._

_To: Evfra de Tershaav_

_From: Pathfinder's Cook_

_You were right, as per usual. This planet continues to disappoint._

_I feel a certain kinship with something Jaal said about the planet growing on him like searing pain of infected flesh wounds._

_We learned later someone tried to stab me and I had a wound. No one knows how I didn't notice. I already had protective armor on, and the knife itself was blunt. The wound is minor and not life threatening in the slightest. The worst it is itchiness from stitches, but it's not as bad as some cuts and burns I've gotten when cooking. I'm used to those, and don't mind them too much .Lexi gave me more antibiotics than I can count._

_There's this man named Reyes, and I think he tried flirting with me, Ryder, anyone who was possible to take advantage of . He was terrible. "Ryder can ride me anytime, and so could you sweetheart."_

_It took me a while to figure out what he meant, but then I just played being ignorant to his other attempts._

_..._

_Re: About Kadara..._

_To: Pathfinder's Cook_

_From: Evfra de Tershaav_

_Do you have any idea who stabbed you yet?_

_Have you become ill?_

_What is the condition of the rest of the crew?_

_..._

_Re: Re: Re: About Kadara..._

_To: Evfra de Tershaav_

_From: Pathfinder's Cook_

_I am itchy and annoyed, but otherwise fine._

_As Jaal and I concur, no one really enjoyed Kadara, with the possible exception of Peebee and Drack, who made a further wreck of the place._

_In any case, if you haven't received notification yet, Ryder was successful in the mission._

_Stay strong and clear._

_PS Is there anything you want to tell me about regarding a security detail that's starting to follow me on Kadara? Did you have a hand in it?_

...

_Re: Re: Re: Re: About Kadara.._

_To: Pathfinder's Cook_

_From: Evfra de Tershaav_

_It is good to hear you are recovering._

_I shall inform your crewmates I approve of their actions._

_I have received Ryder's notification, but, as you have said in the past, it is beneficial to learn different points of view._

_Regarding the security detail, it would not bode well to lie about having Reyes provide protection to civilians._

_Stay strong and clear._

* * *

The next time you visited the planet, you kidnapped by a rogue group called the Roekarr. Evfra had told you about them, and how they inducted his true mother...And about how that true mother shot him. These people hurt him. Something boiled inside you at the thought.

You were to be an example of what your people were really like, an example as to what kind of being you supposedly were. Apparently, your kind hates the angara so much that you refuse to be touched.

"Um, I hate being touched by my own people, for your information," you tried to clarify.

Instead, you got a gun to the face. Yeah, you weren't in the mood for dying today. One of the soldiers grabbed at your rofjinn. "You stole this, didn't you?"

"Uh, I'm not sneaky or cunning enough to do that." Using reasoning wasn't working. "And it was a gift."

"From who?"

They would never believe you. "Evfra."

One of them even burst into laughter. "I don't believe you."

See? You knew they'd never believe you.

"His initials are on the inside collar."

The looked and glared. "You definitely stole it."

A soldier tore the rofjinn right off of you, and you suddenly felt very, very vulnerable. It was worse when you saw the explosives. You had to do _something_. Focusing, you used your fingers to start taking apart individual threats in the rope binding you. It was a painful process, and you knew you'd bleed, but you were capable of doing it. Your wrists burned already.

* * *

Jaal and Ryder were there, trying to negotiate with the Roekarr's leader. There was an argument breaking out. You finally broke out of the ropes in time to see Akksul aim his gun at Jaal, his trigger finger moving.

You'd always been a good runner.

You snapped the rope and pushed Jaal out of the way as the blast went off, turning in time to see Akksul's wide eyes. You held up your arms in surrender, only for something to start burning inside you. There was a force of something, and everything started to become numb. Your breath left you as you fell, curling in on yourself. Jaal and Ryder called out your name. Ryder tried to touch you, but you pulled away, every one of your senses trying to tell you not to move and to not let anything near you.

Liam was there too, he said, "Sorry kid, I know you don't like me doing this."

Without thinking, you tried to fight back against his hands. Jaal whispered, "I'm sorry."

You let out a silent scream as emotions screamed in your mind, flooding you, causing you to freeze until the only thing you could see was darkness.

* * *

You hated hospitals and medical facilities, no offence to Lexi. The beds were always a bit hard, the machines cold, and everything was either too slimy or too rough in sensations. Jaal was sitting in the corner away from you, asleep. He looked so pale.

There was a hole in your abdomen, or at least there was. It would be a bad idea to move yourself.

Good thing was? You were an idiot.

Carefully sitting yourself up, you leaned your head against on of the higher pillows. The ruffling was enough to wake Jaal up. The skin around his eyes was darker than the rest of him. Could angara cry? He said your name, nearly jogging to you with arms held out wide, stopping mid-step. He was pained. "I, I'm sorry."

"Why?" Your voice was rough and ached from not being used. "I was the one who ran in front of a gun. It's my fault, not yours. And, I don't regret it."

Jaal said nothing, hands clenched into fists.

"He was going to kill you, Jaal."

"He wouldn't have, and even if he did, it would show what kind of person he is to our people."

That wasn't exactly how cults and their leaders worked. And, he shot at Jaal. How was your friend so sure the other guy wasn't going to kill him when the blast had hit you? You said nothing, knowing Jaal probably knew better though. "It wasn't worth the risk for me, and I'm fairly sure it wouldn't have been worth it for Ryder."

He flinched at that part, not wanting to say anything either. You knew they loved each other. It must've have been torture, knowing that someone you cared about could be hurt because you couldn't do anything.

A new voice called your name, breathlessly. It was Evfra at the doorway, his eyes wide as he stared at you. You gave a weak wave of a hand and stilled as you felt yourself being hugged. You hadn't expected it at all, your heart pounding with fear and...

That feeling. It was there again, but stronger. Was it-?

"You are alive."

He pulled away quickly.

You didn't admonish him for touching you. "I'm alive," you affirmed. "What happened with the Roekarr?"

"They've disbanded," Jaal said, looking between you two. He was smiling a little. "Your sacrifice, the example they wanted to make of you, proved that your kind wasn't necessarily evil."

Evfra's fists were even tighter than Jaal's. "Not really a sacrifice when you're trying to protect your friend." Evfra's fists loosened just a tad. "Evfra?"

Jaal inclined his head, "I'll give you some privacy."

You spoke first, "I'm sorry, your rofjinn was torn because of me."

"...You think I'm worried about the rofjinn?!" Shit, he was pissed. It was the first time he had ever raised his voice around you. You started to lean back, feeling backed into a corner. He sensed this, and clasped his hand to his face, he groaned. “Of all the idiotic...I can always make another. I'm more worried about the fact that you were shot. You're supposed to be a civilian, and not involved in any of this."

"War involves everyone in one way or another," you protested. That was always hard to ignore. It was a fact. It was something history of all peoples had witnessed. To deny it would be foolish. "I wouldn't be surprised if this happens again it's by the kett or-"

He was devastated. "Don't...Don't..."

Right, he lost his family to them. This, this wasn't fair to him. The world, the galaxy, wasn't fair, but that didn't mean you couldn't help him. After all, you were friends, right?

You didn't think this would work, but you put your hand in his, freezing at first before relaxing into it. You thought hard on your emotions, what you would say if you could make the words. His fingers intertwined with yours. "How-?"

Your brows were furrowed, sweat pouring off you. "Is, is it working? I'm bad at talking but, you guys, you communicate through this, so..."

There was that warm, tingling again. "It works."

It took you a bit to organize your thoughts into something that could be said. "I don't know what I'm sending you, you should know that I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to make you upset. So, I'll try to be more careful."

"I'll keep you to that."

* * *

This time, it was Ryder's twin that had been kidnapped. They needed all hands-on deck. You were going to keep your promise to Evfra though. You weren't good with guns, but there was another long-range weapon that you knew how to use. Feeling the vibrations and pull of it helped instead of something just pushing back against your hands.

Evfra visibly smiled when he saw you using a bow and arrow on the kett from far away. Better yet, you had his back when he was fighting them. Seriously, one had been behind him and you shot both the kett, and the barrel of its weapon.

Take that dyspraxia.

"You make no sense!" Drack called out.

You could only grin, "I know."

There was so much in your life that didn't make sense, but something you knew for sure was that you and Evfra made sense to each other.

So, after Ryder had a make out session with a special angara, you kissed yours on the cheek.

It felt right.


	2. Optional Chapter: Only read if you want story to continue...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If people say that I'm fixating on neurodiversity too much, keep in mind that's what this story started as and the romance aspect came much later.
> 
> The original point, and still the primary, is to help people understand how important it is to acknowledge that people who are neurodivergent do exist, and sometimes people don't even notice the struggles they might experience, or the strengths they have that others don't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Previously on (No) Hugs Please:
> 
> There was so much in your life that didn't make sense, but something you knew for sure was that you and Evfra made sense to each other.
> 
> So, after Ryder had a make out session with a special angara, you kissed yours on the cheek.
> 
> It felt right.

Evfra stilled as he felt something soft on his cheek, turning to see you with darkened cheeks. You were blushing and you had kissed him. Your touch had been warm, caring. It was the kind of touch he hadn't felt in a long, long time. Not since he lost his loved ones what seemed like an eternity ago. However, he was unsure, knowing that you were unaware of what you transmitted at times, or what you desired.

You jumped slightly at the loud noises. He had researched and read that some neurodivergents were sensitive to certain sounds and frequencies. Was this bothering you? Was it just the loudness of their cheering. Tentatively, he reached out, his gloved fingertips brushing over yours. To his pleasant surprise, you returned the touch, holding his hand. Your tension eased. He found his was dissipating as well.

"...There is much work ahead." You nodded and he found himself asking, "May I continue to write you?"

There was no denying that the two of you had your obligations and goals. "Of course."

Both of you got to work as the euphoria and celebrations died down, all tending to any wounded and needed supplies. Evfra directed most of it, and you were working with Lexi and the Moshae to not only prepare meals, but acted as a runner for supplies. He wasn't that surprised to see you wearing thicker gloves than others when tending to wounded angara.

What surprised him were that there were others doing the same. One was wearing very bright and mismatched colors. They were also covered in soil, laughing with one of the krogan before seeing you, calling out your name cheerfully. You gave a shy smile as they approached, the two of you using those hand signals to speak a foreign language. The person he hoped was just a friend turned in his direction, beaming happily before jogging over.

"Hello!" Their voice was loud, but careful. They offered their name, excited for some reason. Perhaps it was because the kett were finally defeated? "I work in the botany sector on the Nexus. I work with Vorn?" Ah yes, the krogan who was disturbingly polite. "I've been talking with the Moshae about growing different flora to trade."

This human never met his eyes, but focused between them or at his forehead. Normally he might question that, but he'd been learning how intimidating it can be for some to do that. That would make cooperation more difficult. He still struggled to work with aliens, but he was trying. The conversation evolved into preparing medicine and how they worked with you to prepare different foods for both the species on the Nexus and the angara. It was swift, but detailed. He was hesitant to ask by the end of it, "Out of curiosity, are you neurodivergent?"

"Yep!" they said cheerfully, not even disturbed by his question. Then, they were regretful. "Sorry, I forgot that you're not the kind of person who likes loud or overly emotional." He asked who told them that, and they said your name. "They really care about you, by the way. Some of us just have a harder time of expressing it than others."

Something warmed inside of him, and he had to force himself to simmer it down. He glanced in your direction, where you were at a distance that you couldn't hear the discussion from. You gave him a small wave before getting back to work.

"Anyways, I'll leave you alone now. Here's my contact information if you'd like to discuss trade."

He accepted it, something less pleasant burning as he saw you communicating with others wearing gloves using your hand language. He looked at his own fingers, furrowing his brows at the fact he had three while you had five. It only stung more when he saw shocked members signing with the female turian from your crew, slowly growing more excited as they realized how fluent she was.

Evfra was going to learn this new language, for security purposes, of course.

* * *

_Angara Ambassador_

_To: Evfra de Tershaav_

_From: Pathfinder's Cook_

_I thought I should let you know that Ryder chose the Moshae to act as ambassador to the Nexus. I know some will disagree with Ryder's choice, but I approve. I still worry about the Moshae's health though. Last I saw her she was still recovering from her ordeal._

_How is she? How are you?_

_Right now, I'm working with the botanist you met on Meridian. I should have warned you in advance that my friend is also neurodivergent, but in a manner very different than I am. Actually, I was surprised to see so many others like me. It was somewhat refreshing to, in a way, be with my own kind. I am human, but it often feels like I'm many distances apart from them._

_I was told that you were watching when I spoke in sign language to the others. I hope this isn't too presumptive, but would you like to learn? We could try meeting over video calls so I could teach you? Or I could refer you to other sources?_

_Would it be okay, would you be okay, teaching me some more phrases or aspects of your culture? I've been told I'll need to interact with people more, which is a bit unnerving in all honesty. I'm always worried about offending someone. I would ask Jaal, but he can be a bit overwhelming sometimes._

_I would understand if you couldn't. Both of us have more duties and obligations than we did before, and I can't imagine what you're going through. It's one thing to be prepared for war and battles, but politics? That takes a great deal of patience and restraint. But what do I know? I'm not a warrior, so perhaps I don't have a place to comment on such things._

_I'll always be here to answer any questions you have to the best of my abilities._

_Stay strong and clear._

_PS I doubt you would come, I am wary of attending myself, but there's to be a celebration on the Nexus of the defeat of the kett. Should you come, I wish you luck._

_..._

_Re: Angara Ambassador_

_To: Pathfinder's Cook_

_From: Evfra de Tershaav_

_Unfortunately, your message arrived too late. I appreciate the sentiment. I am also concerned about the Moshae's health, but she has informed me that despite the additional burdens she has been given._

_As for myself, I am cautious. With a few exceptions, most aliens are ones I do not find trustworthy. I am trying._

_Your botanist friend was of little trouble. I requested information of neurodivergence from your physician to better understand what it is. I am beginning to understand that neurdivergence is a range or "spectrum" of abilities and individual struggles. Some are not affected by angara touch, or even crave it. Others, such as yourself or multiple on Meridian, do require some distance. I am not offended by these needs. As for this distance among your own people, I find myself concerned about your well-being. It must be tiring._

_I would prefer to learn this new language from you, if you are able to. Videos do not always match reality. I find the informational videos for other subjects to be sorely lacking, and I do not believe I would be comfortable with others._

_As you have been helping me with your culture, I would be more than willing to teach you more of mine. It might also be beneficial to learn what each other might find offensive in order to prevent future debacles._

_Politics is nowhere near as difficult as war, but I will not deny it is troublesome. I admit I was first irritated by your notions that politics would be more trifling, but you are not wrong that it does require patience I am unused to. I wonder, is this what it's like all of the time for you? Maintaining a facade is something I share some experience with, but not in this way. Adapting will take time for me._

_I will always have some time for you, so do not worry over that. You're one of few I believe I can trust._

_I am grateful for your assistance._

_Stay strong and clear_

_Postscript_

_I am currently on the Nexus. I could use a guide to navigate this puzzling place. Perhaps you could help?_

_..._

_Re: Re: Re: Angara Ambassador_

_To: Evfra de Tershaav_

_From: Pathfinder's Cook_

_I apologize for the lateness of my message concerning the Moshae. I wish her well in her endeavors._

_I find humans troubling as well, including myself. If you ever need to complain or express your irritation at humanity, I am willing to listen._

_For some reason, I feel honored that you are going through this much effort to understand neurodivergence. I understand that it is advantageous to do so in order to benefit both yourself and your people, but I am afraid I cannot help but feel glad you are doing so regardless. Not many do. I am also glad you know that we're all individuals and not a stereotype of someone incapable of living for ourselves._

_Honestly, it would be a relief to teach you sign language. I mean no offense to you, but sometimes speaking with words can be difficult. Writing and signing is much more relaxing, even if the former can still be a bit difficult from time to time. I also agree with you on watching videos. Many are useful, but it's not the same as meeting in person or over video. Something I can't describe is lost._

_Thank goodness, or rather thank you. I don't want to fret over meeting more angara. I am less afraid of physical contact now that I understand some aspects of it, but a secondary concern has always been whether or not I'm clumsily trampling over cultural standards. That goes for any culture, not just the angara._

_I apologize over any offense I have made by what I wrote. It was not my intention to do so. But you are correct in your assessments, all of them. I try not to lie, but sometimes I feel like I have to hide my emotions and anger, else someone might assume I'm overreacting or behaving negatively just to cause trouble. I used to experience something called "temper tantrums". During those times, I was overwhelmed and confused by multiple things that caused my senses to be overstimulated. Sometimes, it could physically hurt, but as no one could see or understand what was happening, they assumed I was getting angry over nothing. Describing what's happening to you, is never easy._

_Maybe I was fortunate to be able to convey some semblance of what was wrong the first time we encountered one another. I'm not sure I ever told you, but being touched by the child was painful. I instinctively wanted to yell out, call for help, but I shut it in because I knew reacting was wrong. Regrettably, it changed into a panic attack due to the intensity of the stimulants to my nervous system, hence why you had to interfere. I was confused because your touch drew some of it away. I wonder if you know how your touch can be calming sometimes. It's strange, but not unwelcome._

_I am honored to have your trust. I just question if I'm truly worthy of it, especially since I just confessed I often put on a facade._

_PS If you still want me to guide you through the mess called the Nexus, I would be glad to._

_..._

_Re: Re: Re: Re: Angara Ambassador_

_To: Pathfinder's Cook_

_From: Evfra de Tershaav_

_I passed your wishes to the Moshae. She thanks you for them._

_Disliking your own species is understandable. There are many of my own kind that I am not fond of. If you do not mind it, then I will "rant". I hope you are sure of this decision. You may do the same for your people, and even some angara._

_I didn't just study for others' benefit, and I find you very skilled in multiple areas of study. I fail to understand how people would think you less for your needs, more so considering that they are part of your biology which is something you cannot alter, or at least shouldn't._

_We shall need to schedule times for lessons on both our behalves. I know time is relative for you as you travel through space, so this will be difficult._

_I admit to having been offended, but your acknowledgement of your inexperience eased it. I understand your intent to comfort me, even if it was not executed as well as either of us hoped. I am troubled by the experiences you have had though. As mentioned before, videos and written information do not express the difficulties one may have._

_At first I had no words for reading how you experienced our first encounter. I understand now what you meant by having trouble describing what is happening. I also understand what it is to restrict yourself for the sake of peace, for a future, even if it is not in the way that you know. I am here if you need someone to listen._

_You still have my trust. In fact, I believe I trust you more for telling me of something that caused you struggle._

_Stay strong and clear_

_Postscript_

_Shall we meet in front of the hologram of the turian and the human in the Cultural Center?_

* * *

You had agreed to meet him at the proposed time and place. Evfra found you waiting there fifteen minutes before his arrival, shifting in your stance as you looked around. You kept glancing over at some of the larger crowds, your body language belying your anxiety. Was this a poor choice?

He called your name and you brightened, beaming to see him as you jogged over. At least you weren't so tense around him anymore. "Hello, Evfra. What do you think of the Cultural Center so far?"

"It leaves a great deal to be desired," he answered bluntly. You tended to prefer those types of answers despite it typically offending others. "I located the human cultural hologram, and one of the statements it made was, 'We'd rather celebrate our diversity, rather than fight over it'. Yet I have seen much otherwise."

You nodded, frowning. "Personally, I think it's a lot of propaganda. For example, how Earth is called a 'beautiful blue world'. The rest of it is fairly accurate with the diverse forms of land and species, but many of those species have gone extinct and the atmosphere of Earth greatly changed due to technological advancement and massively increased population. Earth had become extremely overcrowded, and so some of our ancestors looked to the stars not just for exploration, but also to find new homes."

At least you were honest. "And, the hologram asked me to inquire about 'ice cream'?"

"Oh jeeze," you groaned. "It's uh...I'm not sure how to explain, so give me a moment?" Why would it be complicated to explain? Then again, you tried to be thorough to answering his questions. "Okay, ice cream is a combination of milk, cream, sugar, and some other ingredients that has been frozen. It's typically very sweet and used as a dessert or a snack. Er, do I need to explain what milk or the aforementioned ingredients are?"

He shook his head, trying to imagine how you would explain what milk was. "Do you enjoy this 'ice cream'?"

You narrowed your eyes, "Are you really going to continue these questions?"

Evfra couldn't stop the twitch of his lips. "I am merely doing as the hologram suggested."

"You know, it's going to be hard for me not to complain about how unhealthy ice cream can be if the wrong ingredients are used, right?" Yes, you were a cook, someone who prepared food. More importantly, you considered the nutritional value people needed to maintain a healthy lifestyle. "You know what? Fine, we can get ice cream here, and then when I get back to the ship I've got new recipes to make."

He folded his arms. "You're going to make ice cream?"

"Yes, and I'll make all the damned flavors that you and Jaal like. Heck, I'll find a way to make that dextro chocolate Vetra likes into ice cream. If people are really obsessed with ice cream that much, I'll make all the ice cream!"

The angara couldn't help but snort at that. "All this, and over ice cream? I simply must try it now."

"Evfra, I'm pretty sure you guys hate sweet, and this stuff is exceptionally sweet," you said. "You said sweet for us is nauseating for you."

"I'm supposed to build cultural bridges, am I not?" Was he being a bit of a fool? Perhaps, but he was not incorrect in his assessment. He knew he wasn't. "Where do we get this 'ice cream'?"

* * *

Evfra regretted it. You'd been right. He had ignored your warnings, and he regretted it. He was just grateful when you gave him some juice to cleanse his palate and ease his stomach. "I may not know much about medicine, but I've picked up on a few things here and there."

"Thank you," he said sincerely. "Did you mean what you said? About making alternatives?"

"Yes," you replied, slightly annoyed that he would insinuate otherwise. "Tell you what, I'll make you that blueberry jalapeno combination you liked."

For some reason, Ryder was sickened by the thought of that combination, which made Evfra like it more. He would savor eating it in front of your captain. "I look forward to it. So, where do we go next? The Hydroponic Gardens?"

"Sure, and then maybe the Tech Lab? You've mentioned before that you like seeing what improvements we can make to your weaponry? Oh, and I have a package to pick up there anyways."

"Which is?"

Your footsteps were measured, and a bit stiff. You were not enjoying walking on flat surfaces. It was still a bit odd to learn how you could run across rough terrain and shoot arrows, but flattened ground and guns confused your senses. Normally one would think the former abilities were more difficult. "A new scanner for me to evaluate the chemical properties in any flora I may come across. The last one was damaged during the fight with the kett."

"Ah."

"So, any more questions about humans? Or any other species? I'm not them, of course, but I can tell you what I know?"

He considered a few. "What place on Earth are you from?"

You told him, giving him a detailed description that was both neutral in its scientific and cultural purposes, and then your own as a resident who'd been there. You spoke of the positive aspects as you did the negative ones. Inside the office, the two of you received the package, the scientist assisting wishing you two a good 'date'.

"Date?"

You rolled your eyes, inspecting the scanner. "It has two meanings. One that most don't think of, and wouldn't fit this context, is a fruit on Earth that is very sweet. They can be preserved over long periods of time and have many essential nutrients for humans. As for the more common meaning, it's a meeting that occurs between possible romantic partners. The idea is to see whether or not the individuals are compatible by sharing different experiences, asking questions, and testing boundaries but never to the point of discomfort."

...Was this a date?

"Family and friends can do similar activities though just for enjoyment or to complete a goal, like touring a unknown place with holograms that have obsessions with propaganda and ice cream."

Were you joking, or not? He knew there were times where you tried to tell a joke and it didn't always work, but more often you said something that made people laugh without you understanding why. "Is there a way to see one of the fruits?"

"Sure, in the hydroponic area," you responded, putting the package away. "And as a warning, typically if two people are seen walking around, most might misinterpret that as a date. So for most trying to avoid that, they tend to go out alone or in small groups to have some more privacy." You leaned over and whispered, "People from my galaxy like to gossip, a lot. Especially about any kind of relationships."

Evfra nodded, leaning over, "Angara are the same in that way."

Both of you let out respective sounds of amusement, strolling into the Hydroponics area. The two of you had nearly gotten lost until you muttered some kind of rhyme involving the scenery, showing him how to find it more easily. There were thousands of species in there, the air much clearer as well. You showed him a palm tree, where dates grew apparently. In front of it was a hologram of a human that could explain what the tree was, the climate it came from, and more. He ended up asking you instead, to which you answered far more easily than you had about ice cream.

You showed him all around the Nexus save for the Vortex. You didn't seem comfortable with the idea of going there. He asked what it was and you explained it was a 'bar', a place to serve alcoholic drinks, party, and off duty entertainment. He was going to ask about why it bothered you when his stomach growled. The two of you shared a look and you shrugged.

"I can make you something back in my quarters."

"What?"

You blinked, "The Residential Blocks? I'm going to give up my apartment soon to try and free up room for someone else since I'm officially part of the Tempest's crew now. Until then, I can at least make you some lunch? And not ice cream?"

"Is there something wrong with the food here?"

You were hesitant. "I guess not."

He was going to propose something else, but you led him inside, clearly nervous. He realized then that there were large crowds of people. You let the waiter take the two of you into one of the back booths, away from the hoards of people. There were menus, and you told him about the foods he was curious about, both clearly trying to distract you. "We don't have to be here."

There was a pause before you murmured, "Yes, I do. I'm supposed to interact with people more, act as emissary between people and make sure everyone is able to function as best as I can do." He was going to protest when you added, "Besides, I am actually curious about this place. I've just been avoiding it because I've been to places like it on Earth and the experiences weren't well, they weren't the nicest. I guess it just might be nicer to have someone there with you who doesn't try to make you do things that are uncomfortable."

It wasn't him who was pushing you, it was you choosing to test your boundaries. This was your decision, not his. "...If you wish to leave, at any moment, we can."

You nodded, looking more relaxed. 

As you ate, your botanist friend appeared on the stage, causing the whole bar to cheer. You jumped, but gave him an awkward smile to show you weren't bothered too much. You'd just been startled. The botanist had differently colored hair this time, their clothing bright and grotesquely mismatched. They were also wearing face paint of some kind, picking up the sound device.

He barely listened to the lyrics, monitoring how you were.

"[...](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=52ZGqJJTA7k) Rushing over rolling rings, on solar winds we ride into the great unknown. The stars light up the stones. We're carried ever onward upon a hope of home..."

"Evfra, you can relax," you sighed. You were still tense, but not as obvious as before. "At the very least, I'm used to pushing myself."

The words slipped out before his mind could process it. "You don't need to do that with me."

He was near euphoric when the waiter appeared with the meal. You scanned his food to assure him nothing was poisoned, as he worried about often. There were many who disliked him, and he wouldn't doubt someone would like to put a stop to him. You did the same for your food, frowning at something, but ate anyways. "Is there something wrong?"

"I'm just a bit picky sometimes," you said, eating with efficiency.

He'd never seen you eat before. Against his will, he found himself paying far too much attention to your lips, and tried to divert his mind from that. "For example?"

"Some food just, doesn't feel _right_. Sometimes it's far too soft or hard, and certain flavors just make me nauseous, kind of like you and ice cream or other sweets." You shuddered a little. "I can tolerate a lot more of the foods I didn't like as a child, but _like_ is much more subjective...I think that's what got me interested in cooking now that I think about it. I wanted to make things that I could eat and when I met other aliens, I wanted to make food they could eat. I, I wanted to make something everyone could enjoy." You chuckled bitterly. "So far, I haven't been successful on that last one."

Your greatest strength had been transformed from one of your perceived weaknesses. You fear and anger turned to passion and inspiration. Evfra could understand that. "I can't help but feel a little envious of that."

"...Is it bad I'm not envious of your job?" you asked, grimacing. "I mean, I _am_ a bit envious of how well you hold yourself together, your bravery, your determination, but what you have to do with it isn't something I think I could handle."

"We are different people, with different abilities," he said. Evfra was honestly flattered by your words, but he couldn't understand why you chose those specifically. He rarely felt like he was any of those things. Maybe that was why the two of you got along despite being so different, both had to pull yourselves together even when you felt like falling apart. "There is no shame in that. And, who says you don't have those traits yourself?"

"I had a full-fledged panic attack when we first met just because of being overwhelmed by something as simple as being touched. That's not holding yourself together, or being brave, or being determined. It's losing your mind, if only for the briefest of moments, and losing sight of what's around you. Sometimes, everything just goes _blank_."

He said your name, causing you to look up at him. "I am a soldier, one who has seen the smallest triggers resurrect fears and trauma in the strongest of my people." There was shame in your expression, and he could tell you felt your problems couldn't possibly surmount to his or the others'. "That doesn't make the value of what you experience any less. Just like them, you can't easily control what bothers you or what your body and mind react to."

That was why he wasn't so rough with you as some people. He had known the look in your eyes, and he'd been prepared to act as he had some of his best fighters who'd been scarred so viciously. The first time he saw you, you had actively been avoiding confrontation, making yourself smaller and speaking calmly to a what you perceived as a possible danger to yourself and others. And when you were hurt, you kept yourself together to the best of your abilities, desperate not to harm anyone. You were brave when you had faced something, someone, that had scared you, trying to find a peaceful resolution with as little conflict as possible. You held yourself together in the face of danger that no one else could see or feel. And even as you lost yourself, you were determined to make it out, to not cause damage even if it meant yourself being hurt.

What he hadn't expected, was _you_.

* * *

"I was wondering, is there significance to the piece of fabric you gifted me?"

It had been something that had been on his mind for a while. However, he'd been wary of asking due to all the events that happened as of late. From you being shot, to the more recent battles, he wasn't sure what time would be appropriate for the inquiry. "Oh, it's a scarf. People wear it when it's cold, or even as a bit of a mask in some situations, like if there's too many contaminants in the air. Or even just to feel some comfort." There was something else. He asked and you flushed, rubbing the back of your neck. "Er, it's a bit of a family heirloom." Oh. _Oh_. "It may or may not be made from some extinct plants?"

You were nervous for some reason. You had gifted him something priceless, irreplaceable, and he'd given you something he could make you at any time should you wish him to. Carefully, he took the cloth out of the container on his belt, inspecting the fibers. To return it would be rude, and to accept it...How much did you know of angara traditions? "I, thank you. I have no words."

"Well, that's normally _my_ state of being," you shrugged. "I'm just glad you like it."

For some reason, humans were very much invested in such articles of clothing. He was about to say something when his com beeped. He didn't even have to ask when you nodded, turning and walking a few feet away out of hearing range. He didn't like what he heard, but knew that he could only spend so much time with you. He approached, and you smiled, "Back to work?"

"Indeed."

Your smile didn't fade. "Stay strong and clear, my friend."

"Stay strong and clear," he murmured. He thought for a moment, unsure. Focusing his emotions, he bent down and swiftly kissed your forehead, grateful no one else was around. "Thank you." You were flushed. "Do I embarrass you?"

"No," you murmured. "Er, I'm more embarrassed about myself I guess." You cleared your throat, your voice having cracked a little. "Some human emotions can be intense. Not quite overwhelming, but strong enough to be a bit unfamiliar. Right now, I'm really happy and it's a bit confusing, I guess."

He frowned, "You are not happy?"

"Being happy all the time isn't a good thing," you said. "I'd rather be content than always happy. Otherwise, I won't be able to feel anything else."

An odd notion, but an admirable one. "Did I make you uncomfortable?"

You hesitated, but tiptoed up to him to kiss his cheek. There was a small spark of something, but nothing that hurt. "No. Thank you."

With that, the two of you said your goodbyes.

* * *

Evfra read into files on human behavior from both a psychological point of view, and sociological. He found himself somewhat more disappointed than usual.

_**Avoiding eye contact can indicate dishonesty.** _

Yet, those who were like you were more honest than expected. For instance, your botanist friend was blunt to the point of being harsh without them realizing it. You always did your best to explain your thoughts, using facts and evaluating information. You reminded him often of how biased you could be.

_**It's associated with not paying attention, and often reflects anxiety.** _

That was partially true. If anything, you seemed to pay _more_ attention when you fidgeted with something. Usually, you weren't even socially stressed when doing that. He'd caught you working a couple times from a distance, twirling a writing utensil between your fingers, toying with a rainbow-colored cube, or twiddling with articles of clothing upon yourself.

There was a beep on his computer, and he saw it was you on video call. He opened a window, and you waved at him. "Ready for sign language lessons?"

This was going to be interesting, considering he had three fingers where you had five. Why did humans need so many?

* * *

"Hi, Evfra!" Evfra tried not to inwardly scream. It was the loud, colorful human. This time, their hair colors consisted of blue and what others had called "bubblegum pink". The color was reminiscent of Jaal, somehow. "Hey, have you seen Akksul? Ryder asked me to pester him endlessly."

"...You are aware he's a terrorist, and that he shot your friend?"

The human nodded, "Exactly. Well, I know he's trying to get better, but I'm going to purposefully annoy him since I can't shoot him." This was going to end horribly. "By the way, he's really rocking that face paint." Rocking, that meant the botanist thought Akksul looked good with it, or that he wore it well. Evfra would have to thank you for your aid again later. "I'm gonna draw a mustache on his face when he's asleep." This human was going to get themselves killed. "Don't worry, I've drawn flowers on him already. Speaking of which, he should be waking up from-"

Profanities erupted into the air that translators couldn't share with other species. The botanist just looked thrilled. "Anyways, I was originally here to talk about possibly engineering jalapenos for ice cream?"

"HUMAN!"

"And I suggest we move quickly."

...Was this human a relative of Ryder's?

* * *

Evfra and some of his men were practicing your sign language, and it was useful during a recent battle. He and the others had been trapped behind a makeshift barricade which barely protected them from behemoths left over from the kett. They were likely to be crushed until Evfra saw a window of opportunity to flank them. However, to say something would indicate the plan. So, he signed to his soldiers, who followed those directions.

They almost lost, which would have cost lives, but your tutelage may have just saved them.

You had saved _him_.

* * *

_Are you all right?_

_To: Evfra de Tersaav_

_From: Pathfinder's Cook_

_Jaal informed me of the fight against the behemoths. Are you hurt? What happened?_

_I understand you may not be able to tell me everything as there may be classified information involved, but please at least tell me of your condition?_

...

_Re: Are you all right?_

_To: Pathfinder's Cook_

_From: Evfra de Tershaav_

_I am unable to tell you everything, but my injuries are minor. I shall recover with little difficulty._

_I was about to message you. Your lessons in sign language came aided us. Had I not learned from you, we would have struggled more, or had more fatalities._

_Thank you._

_..._

_Re:Re: Are you all right?_

_To: Evfra de Tersaav_

_From: Pathfinder's Cook_

_I am glad to hear you are physically well, though I worry about your mental and emotional health. You stress yourself too much. And you need to spend more time outdoors, away from fighting._

_I am only a good teacher if I have a student willing to listen. You are as much responsible for my lessons helping you as you are. I hope I can do more for you in the future._

_..._

_Re:Re:Re Are you all right?_

_To: Pathfinder's Cook_

_From: Evfra de Tershaav_

_It is strange, having someone concerned about my well being. I confess I am unsure what to think of it, but I do appreciate your thoughtfulness._

_I must ask, why are you so willing to help me? You are much more patient than most._

_..._

_Re:Re:Re:Re:_

_To: Evfra de Tersaav_

_From: Pathfinder's Cook_

_Everyone needs someone who cares. Is that so wrong?_

_..._

Evfra was tempted to tell you not to fret so much. Secretly, he wanted someone who made him feel like they cared for him, as if he could be safe around them. Hesitant, he pulled up a previous message thread.

_Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Idioms_

_To: Evfra de Tersaav_

_From: Pathfinder's Cook_

_Praise isn't something I would want in a partner of any kind._

_Actions, small ones, mean a great deal more to me than anything else. They don't need to be big or loud or have to say it every day._

_I would want someone to recognize my struggles, and not say I'm brave for just existing or doing things others may find simple._

_I want someone who understands my needs without belittling me for them existing in the first place._

_I want someone who doesn't want to change me._

_I want someone who might be willing to understand what it means to always push past your own comfort zone._

_I want someone who doesn't need to tell me every moment what I am, because I want to know they feel that way. I want them to know that I might feel the same about them too._

His heart pounded ever so slightly as he read what could've been his response.

_**Deleted Draft** _

**_Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Idioms_ **

**_To: Pathfinder's Cook_ **

**_From: Evfra de Tershaav_ **

**_I have been in love before. It wasn't perfect but it never needed to be. My loved ones were the best thing in my life, and they still are._ **

**_Losing those who mattered to me, and that made me feel like I mattered, has left me scarred._ **

**_There are times where making decisions make me feel as though I'm losing everything again._ **

**_If I found someone again, I would want someone to help me feel not so numb._ **

**_I would want someone who would listen and hear the words I have difficulty saying._ **

**_I would want someone I could talk to about small things in life, precious, difficult, and of no consequence most of all. But I also want someone with a mind of their own, who can converse of more troubling matters._ **

**_As uncomfortable as it might make me, I want someone who sees my scars, and tries to understand them._ **

**_I want someone to know that I care without me needing to say how I feel all of the time, and that I'm comfortable enough to know they feel the same for me._ **

**~~_I want you._ ~~ **

There was so much, too much, that Evfra desired in his life. So many impossible things. He wanted his family back, he wanted his mother to apologize. He wanted to bring back those who had died fighting for him. He wanted to let someone in without fear of losing them. He wanted... _You_.

What could he even offer you? A scar torn soldier out of his prime. He couldn't sing praises as Jaal did for Ryder. He couldn't grant you a family. He couldn't even touch you without harming you.

And, he remembered how you had kissed his cheek, and how he had your forehead. He remembered your blush, and how you said you were happy, so happy you were confused and that led you to feeling somewhat embarrassed. Evfra had read somewhere that kisses on the cheek were a sign of affection, but not necessarily of a romantic relationship. It was why he allowed himself to kiss your forehead, an acknowledgement of friendship, and possibly familial bonds.

However, he had done some more research.

_Kissing on the forehead indicates compassion, affection, and warmth. It is a nonsexual gesture that can be shared between family members or lovers._

_A kiss on the cheek can be viewed as a greeting, or a way to show thanks. It can also be a way for someone to show romantic interest of the yearning to study a relationship slowly._

Context was always important, and trying to read such behaviors was becoming aggravating. But that was a part of all of this, wasn't it?

You had a hard time communicating. You always put effort into it, even when you were unsure of yourself.

Had you been trying to say something all this time?

If so, what should he do about it?

* * *

You were there in the garden. This was where the two of you had met in person since beginning to message one another. You were sitting down, reading some kind of text while tapping your feet. You were fidgeting, but content.

He called out your name, and you looked up, your feet stopping in their tapping as you started to put away your book. "What are you reading?"

"Oh, it's a copy of the dictionary in shelesh that you sent me."

Yes, he could see your notes now. The letters themselves were foreign to him, much different from his own. However, you were constantly trying to build bridges where others didn't. You weren't always successful, but the effort you put forth was staggering.

You cleared your throat. "Okay, please don't be offended? I want to try speaking your language." He nodded, waiting. You just tried introducing yourself and your job as a start. It was difficult to find a word that translated roughly to your career, the closest being something along the lines of 'food maker'. It was something in as much progress as anything else. He flinched every once in a while from how terrible you were. But, you both endured, if not for the sake of friendship then communication between species.

After that you both practiced some sign language. Again, one partner having five fingers instead of three made things a bit tricky, but it was oddly pleasant.

Then came the ultimate test, trying to combine gestures with language to better translate.

"Okay, so 'no' is when you take your thumb, forefinger, and middle finger-" He was unable to stop a slight smirk. "Quit laughing. And you bring them together, as if you are pinching something. It's typically one motion, but you can also shake your head side to side to emphasize something. However, that might be a dead giveaway in battle since head shakes are apparently a universal way of negating something."

He practiced it, furrowing his eyebrows in concentration. "Vol."

"Vol," you repeated. "And yes is where you make a fist at about shoulder height and make it move up and down, sort of like nodding."

"Roa."

The combination seemed to work better than other methods.

* * *

He was at a meeting with Ryder and other species when he spotted a youth looking around, utterly lost.

Someone was guiding them, looking sorrowful.

Director Tann tilted his head. "What is wrong?"

"The kid is either deaf or can't speak," the guide said. "I don't know what they're trying to say."

The child reminded Evfra of you somehow, searching around for help but unsure how to solve the situation. It didn't mean they were helpless, just trying to do the best they can in a strange place. Thinking carefully, he knelt down, turning sideways a little so that he didn't intimidate them. Eye contact was important in sign language apparently, but for those who were intimidated, they focused on the hands or other parts of the face instead. The same went for the child.

" _Hello, my name is Evfra."_ For now he signed the letters of his name. He had talked with you about making a sign name later. " _Do you need help?"_

The little one brightened instantly. " _Yes, please. I can't find my family."_

Many of his people's own young experienced something like that. He translated to the leaders and Evfra asked for the child's name. Upon giving it, they were able to find the parents easily. One of them was also deaf.

Director Tann scoffed, "I still don't understand why people like them are on this station. Those genetic mutations do more harm than good."

Ryder scowled, but it was Evfra who spoke. "They are more capable than you think. I have found myself cooperating with your species more easily upon meeting one. They explain some aspects about various cultures than most, and are certainly more forthcoming about some information you neglect to share."

The female krogan, Nakmor Kesh, agreed. "One of those parents works in engine rooms. They may not hear, but their senses are more enhanced to some things than others, and they're certainly more adaptable. I've heard they can tell when there's a problem before some of the machines do. And the other is a field medic, who has practice in reading body language when their patients can't communicate what's wrong. Both have saved numerous lives, including those with broken translators."

"I've heard that not all those who have these mutations are that capable though," Director Tann pointed out. "Some need repetition and cannot adapt. Some even still need assistance _urinating_ or cannot function in everyday life. The primary aspect is that they _cannot_ communicate."

"They can," Ryder said. "Just not in the way most might." Ryder was hesitant, inhaling deeply, "What if I told you I was neurodivergent?"

That earned a lot of stares. "What?"

"I didn't realize it until recently, and went to a psychologist," Ryder murmured. "I'm always trying different clothes and outfits of all kinds of varieties because most make me feel uncomfortable. I can be too abrasive because I can't read what others are thinking or what they might think. I'm not expressive enough, and I have a hard time admitting emotions than most. I'm worried about how much it could bother the angara that I'm like that, especially Jaal. I can't flirt to save my life and always feel so awkward in conversations because I have to pause to think about what's normal or right for anything I say. Heck, some I have to plot out or practice ahead of time because otherwise I'll get somewhere and on the inside freak out."

This was all sounding familiar. Why hadn't Evfra noticed before? Had no one noticed?

"Becoming the Pathfinder hasn't been easy not just because of all the PTSD I know I'm going to have later, but because even with instructions I usually feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I can't begin to tell you how much I've had to rely on SAM just to guide me through what others say should be simple."

Ryder was tearing up, a sight Evfra realized he hated.

There was another breath, their fists were clenched. "I can't believe how much you remind me of my father, Director Tann. Yeah, he died to save me, but you have no idea how he treated me and my sibling when we were younger, how _troublesome_ we were when we didn't meet his expectations or how we didn't fit in like we should have. And even after he's gone, I _still_ don't fit in like I should. I've always been letting people down."

This was Ryder, someone who just saved countless lives, died multiple times for others, and had done the impossible often when no one could understand their thought processes. This was Ryder who jumped into danger, who seemed crazy at times to their own people. Evfra hadn't realized that under all that bravado how hurt, how vulnerable the Pathfinder was.

Evfra had almost forgotten that Ryder was a soldier just as scarred as some of his people were.

They chuckled bitterly, "And everyone says that my father, that anybody else, should've been the Pathfinder. And even though they didn't say it out loud, all I keep hearing is that I should've died instead of my dad, and I can't help but feel like they're right sometimes."

Suddenly, Director Tann had the gal to look guilty. Evfra had the near inexplicable urge to comfort Ryder, but was unsure how. Then he remembered what he did for you. You always pointed out negatives about yourself. _You_ experienced this, and he had some idea of how to help.

"Your father couldn't do what you have done." All looked in shock as Evfra spoke. "Not everyone can face danger as you have, or face constant fears. Your father, from what I've heard, was a complicated person, but do you really think he could've thought in the different ways that you do? Do you really think that he could've saved lives the way you have, if at all?" He stepped forward, "As much as I dislike saying it, you saved my people, Ryder. You gave us hope in our darkest hours, and I can never find the right words to thank you enough for that."

Evfra already had respect for Ryder, but now he was starting to understand them. Maybe they all were.

* * *

Evfra started practicing sign language on his own, using it both on and off the battle field. It was calming, and was helping him cope. Sometimes he used it after nightmares came back. Faces of those he sent to their deaths still haunted him, as did the sights of those in prison camps and even of his own mother turning against him.

His eyes found the scarf you gifted him, and when others couldn't see it, he would secretly hold it, thinking of your words.

"Evfra?" you asked. "Are you sure I'm not wasting your time?"

"Never," he replied automatically.

"You're thinking of your family again, aren't you?"

He huffed, "Am I that obvious?"

"No, that's why I'm asking," you replied. "I don't know what's going on in your mind, even though I wish I did."

He tensed, "Why?"

Carefully, you reached up and touched one of the scars on his face. There was a tingle. He denied himself touch for so long, it had become foreign until you came along. It was still strange for both of you, which is why he had you initiate most of the time. "You know, you could hug me, if you want? It feels weird, but not bad anymore. Sometimes I like it, or crave it even."

But what about the times you didn't? "You didn't answer my question."

"Because I care about you, and when you care about someone you do your best to listen to whatever's going on, good or bad."

You were always worried about what others thought, but especially of him. He uttered your name, "Are you attracted to me?"

Your pause said enough, or at least he thought it did. "Yes, but just because you find someone attractive or you feel attracted, doesn't mean you have to choose them, especially if they don't return those feelings."

Communication was something that almost all neurodivergent people struggled with. They can't read intent, or facial expressions, or tones...And blocking you off as Evfra normally would wasn't helping. You always tried to adjust for others, including him. Ryder always did that. Even your botanist friend seemed to do that. Every person he had encountered with "disabilities" or were somehow impaired.

But those qualities rarely held them back, held _you_ back. Instead of following the rules laid out by society, you morphed, bent them, so you could grow on your own.

He liked how you cared, how you faced odds that would seem impossible to most, how you listened...He loved it when you sang, he loved how you needed to sign sometimes, how neat you kept everything even if some people thought it obsessive, and even how you tiptoed. You made him feel safe, and cared about. Yes, there were times that communication could prove rough, but you never doubted that he cared for you, even if both wondered in what manner.

You accepted him and his scars, listening to the words he had difficulty saying or didn't say at all. Through that, you were helping him do things he didn't think he could do anymore.

"...And if they did?"

The cook looked at the rebel leader then, a storm of emotions showing that Evfra tried to read. "Then, that person would choose them for as long as the person will be allowed to stay with them."

It wasn't a world changing moment. It wasn't as if the universe was collecting all its wonders and placing them in front of him. It was an embrace, a hug, a welcome home.

"May I hug you?"

Evfra finally let himself hug you.

It felt right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure how people will feel about this, but I enjoyed writing it.
> 
> Let me know what I can do better.
> 
> Next up in the series: 
> 
> After the incident on Havarl, Akksul is trying to change, and part of that is learning about other races in the attempt to understand them.
> 
> On the Nexus, he encounters a botanist that is a bit more unexpected than most.

**Author's Note:**

> *As someone who's neurodivergent, you have no idea how hard it is to find the right words to describe what it's like living in a world that no one bothers to explain what normal is supposed to mean.
> 
> I was diagnosed with PDD-NOS and dyspraxia when I was young, and trying to describe what it's like is difficult sometimes.
> 
> I'm still working on how to explain my POV to people, but a lot of the details in the Reader I put parts of myself in.
> 
> 12/5/2019 - Hey everybody, a group and I have a research project for a few classes that involves a survey. We need a larger sample size. It's not an official survey, just experimental for really, really inexperienced college students. It takes on average (so far), 3 minutes pending how you answer:
> 
> https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/7C3Z68K


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